No Internet, No Respect and No More Jobs on the List

Item number 1:

The Internet was down today, and both the dog and I were not happy about it. There were cable guys in the backyard today changing one beige box for a brown box in the back corner. They were there for a few hours and were waist deep in mud digging and dragging to and fro.

Let me tell you, the dog was NOT happy about this development. How dare anybody go in her backyard? Of course, lots of barking and barking today just because she can.

Meanwhile, for yours truly I had just found my groove working when I went to reload a page and OH NO NO INTERNET. How did d we live before the internet? I think magazines were big. Also, I remember going outside more.

Once I realized the internet was going to be down for a while, I thought: Oh no! What do I do? So after some thought i knew what to do: I present to you:

Item number 2.

I have officially cleaned all that can or will be cleaned while BW is away. Including the fiddly stuff:

Cleaning under the sink:
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Cleaning of the cutlery drawers:

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All wrapped up:

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All Lids Match:

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Item number 3.

My phone chirps this am, and it’s a text message from my MIL asking how I am doing,which was very nice. I’m a lucky guy and I thanked her for thinking of me.

But then, she blew it.

Her next message was “Is the pantry done yet?”.

I can’t win.

In the meantime, watch this space for further developments:

 

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Where’s My Pantry?

Hey, Hi.

I haven’t been around the past few days due to illness. Mine. I’ll save you the gory details but thedog was not happy that she didn’t get walked one day and i was not very happy to be on the BRAT diet. But, that’s all over with and I’ll do my best to continue writing here and the dog got walked today so I guess we’re back in business.

But that isn’t what I want to write about today.

I want to write about the pantry. I think I have mentioned that there was a slim chance BW would have a pantry built in the kitchen by the time she got back. In fact the to-do list we made together looked something like this :

paint garage
paint deck
paint doors
caulk tub
clean fridge

and then at the bottom:
pantry? (note the question mark)

You see, I’m not very handy. Sure, I can wield a paint brush and run the vacuum around but there’s no way I can build walls. But, my friend G can and is willing to do do, except there are a few considerations:

G has a job. AND a side job which is really a full time job all in itself and a family with teenagers. Also, there’s a border between us. So it’s safe to say that to a large extent we’re at his mercy for all of this. It’s a full days work this project. (It would take me six days and sixteen trips to home depot – I had trouble enough with the bathtub)

All this to say we’re at G’s mercy when it comes to this project

Also, there’s really no rush for any of this.

Unless, You’re BW

You see, BW is not really good when it comes to being satisfied with where you are. There’s always something to do and it must be done now, even if the deadline is for away, or in this case really non-existent, and the Pantry project is the latest bee in her bonnet.

I’ve forgotten about this um, special trait of hers. It’s been a demand-free quiet month here for thedog and I. Sure, we’ve got a to-do list but we’ve been painting when the sun shines with no real schedule per se so we’ve forgotten about BW’s demanding ways charming personality.

But tonight I was reminded of her, um, personality.

For reasons unknown the past week or so we’ve been messaging via skype even though we have the technology we haven’t talked to each other via video. Until tonight.

So imagine my excitement to actually SEE BW and I waited with eagerness to see her beautiful smile and to hear her voice fill my lonely heart with those 3 magic words I had wanted to hear for so long:

“Where’s My Pantry?”

That sound you hear? It’s my heart breaking.

(sigh)

I tried to explain to her that it was out of my control, but to her G is my friend and so therefore I am in charge of all things pantry. And this must be done. NOW

Now, let me explain: There’s no real rush for the pantry. In fact there’s lots of things I think the house could use more than a pantry but I’m not a voting member here so there’s that. Sure, the kitchen will look a bit tidier and the counters a little cleaner but we’re living just fine pantry-less.

But BW wanted to talk about nothing else about the pantry.

In a way,I only have myself to blame. See, I told BW that G was coming this past weekend to build her a pantry. But, he ended up having a life that did not include a pantry and had to cancel. Fair enough. He offered to come earlier this week, but got stuck in traffic and the line at the border was 2 hours and then add to the fact I was starting my little adventure with the BRAT diet, G and I decided that BW doesn’t need a pantry that badly.

I may live to regret this decision.

PS: 8 more days til she’s home!

The Yes Man

This being married is hard work, I tell you.

Today’s example.

A new dog is in BW’s mind lately. I don’t know why because we already have one dog too many but whatever.

She’s got name picked out and everything.

So I wasn’t too surprised when she told me she had been online dog shopping (and I thought the dresses and shoes were bad) and that she wanted to get a new/another dog.

“What kind?” I asked.

“An old English Sheepdog”, she said.

“Oh, like Sam the Sheepdog” said I.

Like this:

“what do you think?” she asked.

and here’s where it gets weird:

I said OKAY.

“But you hate dogs”, she said.

“I’m coming around” I said.

Now, this is where it gets really weird. One would think that BW would be pleased with the fact that I agreed to another dog in the house without any protest from yours truly. But nope, not BW.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked.

“what do you mean?” I said.

“You’re agreeing to everything I say lately. I don’t like it”

I ask you dear readers to go read that last bit again. The part where I agreed to all and everything.

And she doesn’t like it. I give.

I reminded her that I paint, clean and now just agreed to get another puppy and that she should be thrilled.

But in a way this is her fault. I forget the topic, but I was getting teased by both her AND MY friends and they were ganging up on me and teasing me about married life and how I had trouble adjusting to being advised by my wife constantly.

But my friend took pity on me and gave me the best advice on being happily married yet:

He says “the trick is to just agree with ‘em” he tells me. “Half the time they forget what it is anyway, or you blow it off but this is way easier than protesting”

So, I’ve been tying being the “Yes man” and agreeing with BW and so far so good.

I think.

At least until I start to walk 2 dogs daily.

Betrayed

I can’t believe I’m sharing this on the internet but it’s true.

BW has been cheating on me.

Yes, she’s been watching a new netflix series without me!. *

She calls it ‘tabletto’-her little movie watching tablet she bought for her trip. And it was love at first sight. In hindsight I should have seen this coming,the way she spent hours with it under her blanket at night caressing its face.

“What are you doing?” I would ask and she told me she was reading the New York Times. I never thought it would come to this. I believed her.

I was told the new tablet purchase was for downloading books – you know – all proffessory and the like. So gullible like I am, I believed her. I feel so betrayed.

But as soon as she left our happy little home she broke the one sacred rule in our household:

She watched a show on the TV without me!

I thought for sure we had the talk before we left: “Be true to me” I said – reminding her of our sacred vows to consume mindless drivel on the TV together for ever and ever. (I’m pretty sure that’s what the minister said on our wedding day. Something about sickness and in health too, but I don’t really recall, because I was so nervous I thought I was going to pass out)

Anyway, the TV watching.

Like newlyweds we were, we watched so many shows together. The cooking shows, the real estate shows, the west wing, game of thrones, a series about mormons and even NFL football games!

But with a click of a button on her tablet she pressed play – never thinking of the consequences. I’ll never be able to catch up with her manic watching of episode after episode.

There’s just no way this will ever work now. Our circle of trust has been broken.

It wasn’t always like this. We used to make tea and hold hands with the pale blue glow reflecting off the walls and our happy faces and with a farting dog at our feet we’d bask in the glow of the characters on the big screen, for they seemed larger than life.

But now, it’s different.

She’ll always be a season or two ahead of me now. It will never be like it was before.

“But I didn’t know it would upset you so much” she said when I asked her why, oh why, oh why???!! How could she do this?

“You can catch up” she said, but it was too late. She knew too much. Her life included new characters now with stories I knew nothing of.

In despair I resorted to old Carol Burnett reruns on youtube. It was all I could handle. The one show that didn’t remind me of her.

I tried to watch other shows on netflix but the pain was so great. Every series listed was just too harsh a reminder of the good times we once had.

She told me: “I’ll stop”. But she doesn’t understand the pain. Watching an episode knowing she’s already watched it. Oh, I can’t even imagine the horror.

“You’ll like the show” she said,trying to convince me to watch and watch to get our TV watching clocks synched once again but I can’t somehow feel like this will never be the same again. “It’s weird, you’ll like it” she said. “Don’t tell me the name! I don’t want to know!” I said as I quickly changed the topic.

I needed something new to talk about. Another topic – the weather, the dog, her work, something.

I asked her when she was coming back?

“Soon” , she replied

“Good” I said, “I found this show…looks pretty good…..”

Less than 2 weeks to go. Not that I’m counting.

* “Orange is the New Black” On netflix.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

I really don’t know why I bother with this blog. It’s not like a soul reads the thing except BW.

Today wasn’t that much of an eventful day, and after the last few days I guess this is a good thing. I did have a doctor’s appointment though and like all things lately – there’s a story to tell.

Like always, the day started off OK with coffee and dog walks and I had a 10:30 am appointment at the doctors office.

The Doctor could not be closer to the Canadian border if you tried. It’s the last exit on the highway before you get to the queenston lewiston bridge. If you miss the exit, you’re going to Canada.

Anyway, after I boost the car I buzz off to the Doctor’s for my appointment so I can tell her I’m fine. I figured I would be home again in half an hour.

I was wrong.

I walked up to the desk, said I’m here and the nurse told me to wait. So, I did.

I waited
and waited
and waited
and waited
and waited.

At first, I really didn’t think much of it. They always overbook and it was taking some time for others to be called too so there’s that. But after I read every magazine they had I went up to a now new nurse and nobody had marked me as there, so they didn’t know I was waiting.

Bah.

All for a silly little followup appointment to tell her I’m fine.

I did managed to get some muscle relaxants out of her and from what she tells me and what I read on the interwebs this is some pretty high octane stuff. I’ve been on other meds that supposedly make you drowsy but the reviews on the internet talk about a hung over feeling and being out for hours.

I know, I know.. It’s always a risk asking doctor google. I’m old enough to remember a pre-google life and there was a time when you just did what the doctor told you to do. Now, you research before you go and then when you get back.

Anyway, the back is better today on it’s own so here’s hoping the meds do the trick.

If I disappear it’s because zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Shuffling in Buffalo

Today started off fairly well.  Dog out, coffee, etc. checked my world online and so on.

And then when I went to take the dog for a walk today, I pushed the door  to open and the dog bounces out as the garage door still opens and I do the same, but as  I bent over to duck the door I felt it: my back going out.

I thought maybe I lucked out and just tweaked things a bit but I realized when I went to straighten  up again that no, I’m screwed. Also  – this  hurts!

Now I know  it’s just a pulled muscle and  a few days from now this  will be nothing but  a bad memory but holy, does back pain hurt. I’ve got a heating pad on full blast as  I type  this and  am full of advil. Better, but not out of the woods.

This brings me to my next observation:  I only do this doing stupid stuff. I don’t do it as  I get the game winning touchdown or save a baby from a burning car (god forbid). Probably because I don’t do those things but from memory here’s how I’ve pulled my back out to date:

  1. garage door ducking.
  2. sitting down on the couch.
  3. reaching for the remote on the coffee table.

Also, in Canada we have some fantastic back pain medicine (fancy aspirin) that you can’t get here. If I weren’t still radioactive I’d go over and buy some. But, in the meantime I have a doctor appointment for a followup for my heart attack  that wasn’t  and  BW tells me she’s pretty liberal with that prescription pad so here’s hoping  I come home with something higher octane than the tylenol we have here now.

That’s the update  for the day here in husbandville.  I feel like Tim Conway shuffling around the house today:

Now, if I could only train thedog to go get me a drink…

Wet

You’ve got to love WNY/Southern Ontario thunderstorms. They seem to come out of nowhere.

Take tonight, for example:

After dinner I decided I needed to break free of my agrophobic ways and go forage for food at the grocery store.  I would only be gone for 20 minutes as I only needed a few things and all looked fine when I left. Sure, it was cloudy but it had been cloudy all day.

So I buzz down the road and hit the grocery store.

I get to the store, pick up some fruit and really just enjoying the quiet of the grocery store and OMG look at all the brands here. (Yes,  this is still new for me). Once I debated  with myself whether to get the name brand cereal or the generic I grab the cheap cereal and head to the cashier.  She’s nice and says to me “I can’t beleive how hard it’s raining”

Hold on a minute, did she say rain? I glance out the window and hoo boy is she right. It is pouring.

Once I get to the parking lot, there’s inches of rain on the lot. It’s small rivers rushing to the storm sewers.

Of course, every window in the car is wide open.

Let’s just say the car got washed on the inside.

Moving on..

I get home, and this freak storm (which was over by the time I got home) has apparently rained sideways into the house through the windows. The patio door of course was wide open so water was pretty much streaming down the floor when I arrived. The bedroom windows were also open and the worst of it landed on the dog’s bed so I’ve got  to find a towel or something for the beast to sleep on tonight.

I doubt she’ll mind.

JIM_2242

 

Weed Eater

It started with just one.

I had just finished using this:

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and on the way back to the house I saw it: the weed.

Now this wasn’t any old weed. This was waist high. And I thought, hoo boy am I going to be in big trouble when BW comes back and finds that weed at eye level.

So, I pulled it.

and then another

and another

and another

and before you know it: this happened
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Also, this:
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Now, to the untrained eye, this doesn’t look like much but what you see here is over 3 hours of gardening. . Now I will ask you to read this last bit again where it says I gardened because the entire plotline of this story hinges on this one fact that I pulled weeds out of the ground and garden. That’s twice now. TWICE, people.

The second photo doesn’t look like much and needs some explaining.

Between the fence and our neighbours railway ties is a son of a gun to clean. leaves and other crap gets caught in no mans land between there and I suppose if this were the mccoys vs the hatfields you could spend hours arguing who’s mess this was. Technically, I think it’s not ours but no matter. Not only do dead leaves get behind here but also other items too. I found:

  1. a metal stake
  2. a chair cushion.
  3. a lawn bag full of leaves.

The problem was how do I get between the rock and the hard place? My leaf blower won’t work because if the leaves were able to blow they would have blown away. I can’t get my hand in there to reach under the fence unless I start to dig  – so what’s a guy to do?

I cleaned out the entire length of the backyard with a stir stick for a paint can left over from my painting adventures. I could get the stir stick under the fence enough to fish out the leaves and lawn furniture and other items. There I was down on my knees with a stir sitck trying to pull out weeds and leaves and brances. How I got into this I will never know.

But, it looks a little better now.

Once I got the big stuff out I could clean out the remainder of the gap with the leaf blower and then raked the whole mess out and up and I had to hurry because I had so much fun it was starting to get dark.

Also: I found a great way to weed the garden: You take the leaf blower to it. It blows away all the loose grass clippings and surface dirt and then it’s really easy to see the weeds and yank ‘em.

Works like a charm. Here’s the before:

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Heh.

And every day I think two things:

  1. I have nothing to write about for today.
  2. All the work around the house is done.

Apparently, I’m wrong on both accounts.

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Good Night, Moon.

 

LawnMower Man

File this under: I told you so. 🙂

It doesn’t happen often but every once in a while a husband is right. Or, at very least gets to prove his worth. Even if it’s ever so slightly.

About 60 days or so – just before BW went away I got it in my head that I would sell riding lawnmowers online.

You can imagine BW’s eyes rolling back in her head as I come up with yet another half baked idea.

But this time I had a thought. A riding lawn mower costs $1500 on Amazon. I wondered: do people actually buy riding lawnmowers online? There’s only one way to find out, I thought so I created a website and one page was all about riding lawnmowers, and now that I am Mr. Suburbia and know all about there is about a riding lawnmower, and actually can tell what brand of riding mower it is due to the color (Yellow for Cub Cadet, Red for Toro, Orange for Husqvarna). So writing about riding lawnmowers wasn’t too hard. I grabbed a few photos of riding mowers, wrote a few paragraphs and left it.

A few weeks later: I sold one. “I told you so”, I told BW.

Here’s the fun part: A riding lawnmower sale is worth more to me in commission than a commission on a 2013 Honda Civic. And, I can write about mowers in my underwear and not have to deal with sales managers, customers, test drives…etc.

And then –  I lucked out and sold another mower online. I was on a roll.

Or so I thought. But then, I got greedy and put a few too many ‘buy me’ buttons on the site so the ads vs content ratio was kind of high.

I live and die by Google and what they think about my sites and how relevant they are to the search. For example: I rock for “Tidy Husband”. In fact I OWN google for tidy husband because it’s not searched for and has no real commercial value (but you can  buy tidy husbands, I hear). Anyway  – search for ‘tidy husband’ and every link, photo on the front page is..me:

tidy husband - Google Search

Now, If I could do this for the search term ‘debt relief” or “car insurance” or something that people actually searched for I’d be writing this from a lawn chair on my own island in FIJI.

Back the lanwmowers: Google came by, saw that my site didn’t have real value with big buttons all over the site and slapped me silly. I was gone for the search engines and instead of getting hundreds of searches for lawnmowers and the like, I got zero.

Now it’s BW’s turn to tell me “I told you so”.

Shucks.

So, I had read in my travels that if this happens you can try removing the buy me links and buttons and hope things return.

No luck.

Until today about noon:

Screen Shot 2013-07-21 at 6.53.43 PM

 

It seems that Google has deemed me worthy once again with my excellent reviews on riding mowers and has brought my site back to the front page after a holiday away and the “I told you so” score is slightly again in my favor once again for the time being.

Not that I’m counting. 🙂

Also, for all you husbands out there – you might want to consider picking up your socks. 

 

 

 

Adventures in Dog Walking

Who knew that dog walking could be so interesting?

I know I sure didn’t but since I’ve become the official dog walker here over the past year or so, I’ve made some observations and I thought I’d share them:

  1. Dog walking can be profitable. I’ve made seven bucks since walking dogs. I’ve found a five dollar bill and 2 one’s in our sleepy little neighborhood and one can only imagine how much money I could make in a more concentrated area like Toronto or New York. I figure I always have my head down in the fear that somebody will recognize me both outside and walking a dog – 2 things I try to avoid.

  2. If the dog wants to stop, and um, smell the roses – the dog will smell the roses. If the dog does not want to move the dog won’t.

  3. The dog attracts all the crazy dogs in the neighborhood (and crazy owners too). Today, we were out for our lap when this little benji shaped dog came running up to say hello and smell butts which is fine. There was no growling going on, just butt smelling (more words I never thought I’d put together in a sentence), but the funny part is benji wasn’t on a leash. He’s no bigger than a large cat but the best part was that Benji wasn’t a very good listener. His owner, a 20-something with a plaid shirt and cowboy boots, chased, pleaded, ran and tried to bribe benji with cheese.

Benji wasn’t having any of this, and that’s the funny part – Benji, thedog and I ended up taking his owner for a little walk around the neighborhood until Benji finally got tired. I wonder next time our neighbor takes benji for a walk he’ll bring a leash, and maybe some more comfortable footwear

  1. This is the funniest of the stories: When we walk by this one house there’s these 2 little white small dogs that bark and bark and bark when we go by. And the dog, usually very well mannered just loses her shit when we walk by the house so I’ve come to dialing in the leash when she goes by. We pass the house of crazy dog okay, and so I let the leash out again so the dog can walk freely and not pull me. The dog has a tendency to not walk on the sidewalk but the little boulevard of grass between the sidewalk and the road.

Usually, this is uneventful and not worthy of a mention, but on this day, across the street a half block up is an older dog on the front lawn. This older dog might bark once but otherwise could care less about the dog. But our dog was very interested in the dog across the street, and had craned her neck to look back at the dog.

And just like texting and driving, doing two things at the same time when moving regardless of whether you’re a dog or not is always a bad idea and the dog, not looking where she was going walked right into a sign post. You could hear the ‘clunk’ as dog head bounced off street sign.

There’s nothing worse than getting busted walking into a pole because you were checking out the hot number across the street.

Ask the dog, she’ll tell ya.