Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. Unmet Expectations

    Considering Amazon is already pushing the holiday season full blast, we figured today would be a good day to decorate the tree outdoors with lights.

    45 days to go says Google.

    There’s a cold snap on the way and now that we have a child we want her to have memories of the glow of Christmas lights on the tree outside her window so she can have the perfect childhood.

    kieran white sbdmqcw8qag unsplash 1*Photo by Kieran White on Unsplash1

    I could have done this alone. In hindsight I may have preferred to do it alone. In fact, I pretty much did do it alone because of the idea:reality ratio.

    If you’ve never heard of the idea:reality ratio, let me give you an example:

    As a subscriber to this newsletter the idea would be to be entertained while reading. The reality is that the content is middling at best – and it’s gotten so bad that readers are unsubscribing daily and even BW has complained.

    This brings us to the tree:

    The idea: the fall leaves, the breeze, the laughter of children playing while your wife helpfully assists in making sure each little bulb is placed just so for a pinterest-worthy card while she holds your hot chocolate waiting for you when get down from the ladder.

    The reality: it’s just freaking cold and windy, the child and the wife got bored long ago and somebody let the dog outside. BW has found somebody on the street to talk to and the child has decided whilst I turn my attention for a second to attempt to climb up and hang her own decorations and then complain that she’s scared and the step stool is wobbly.

    Meanwhile, I’ve got these crappy little lights BW bought on TEMU get caught on every effing branch and I’m not dragging a big ladder outside just to fall off it because there’s no good spot to lean it against a tree.

    This leaves us with the result of “eh, good enough” for tree decorating this year.

    Summary

    You may see those well-meaning Christmas catalogs with the perfect trees and houses decorated and everybody is wearing perfect little outfits where even the plaids on the shirts match the linings of the cute little boots.

    You might even dream that if only you bought those Christmas lights and started to wear plaid that you too could live the perfect little life of plaid and lights - not only this Christmas – but for many more to come.

    That’s the idea talking. The idea just talks.

    The reality doesn’t talk. It demonstrates.

    Tonight they demonstrated they do not work at all.

    This is my reality.

    Until Next Time, TH and Co.

    1. This is not our tree. This is a very pretty tree. again, NOT OUR TREE. ↩

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  2. The Dog Ate My Homework

    Yes, it’s true.

    tasha kostyuk sjst8vdkn28 unsplash Photo by Tasha Kostyuk on Unsplash

    The dog really did eat the child’s homework tonight.

    Here’s how this played out:

    She came home with a task. Take a printout of a turkey and disguise it so it doesn’t look like a turkey - put ears on it - paint it pink and call it a pig - whatever.

    She decided the turkey should be a bunny. A brown bunny. Paint it brown, add some long ears …glue a cotton ball on the end - and done.

    We were getting ready for dinner so we had to turn the kitchen table back into a kitchen table and not an art table.

    She put her turkeybunny on a little kid-sized table that we have in the kitchen for her as she likes to st and play there sometimes.

    This table is about…dog level.

    You know where this is going.

    At first, I got blamed - then we searched and even shone a light under the fridge 1 thinking it might have slipped underneath somehow.

    Then almost offhand I said - did you ask the dog? And lo and behold we found the artwork in the dog crate in a million little pieces.

    Bless our little child though - she has so many toys eaten by the dog over the years she is completely numb to it.

    I think she thinks this is normal – the same way she thinks having an older underemployed father is normal too:

    The dog eats stuff it shouldn’t and I don’t do much - that’s how we roll here.

    I sent the email to her teacher that we need another turkey template sent home tomorrow for the project because:

    THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK.

    True story.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. something I regret because now it looks like I have clean underneath the fridge soon. ↩

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  3. The volume knob

    I swear – the volume goes to 11 here at times.

    pxl 20261108 160941639 we started swimming lessons again - this was one of the quieter moments

    It’s after dinner and we’re all getting tired. The child is in the tub.

    The child loves the tub, but soap can be optional. Tonight was a night when soap should not be optional.

    BW goes up to “help”. The child protests and then they start to scream at each other in spanish which I think is hilarious because now this is all on BW.

    Me? I’m out. This is BW’s burden now.

    I don’t ask further questions and go back to my dishes.

    The volume gets louder and louder and then the finale is the child is in total upset and BW comes down with a report.

    “Her hair is washed”, BW tells me.

    I don’t think this is the “volume” the shampoo ads had in mind when they made the ads about how wonderful their shampoo is”:

    Just imagine:

    Our new shampoo by JEAN LUC PICARD is guaranteed to make your hair fluffier and your next door neighbors annoyed by the noise of children protesting in the tub.

    I was in charge of hair drying and it was my turn for the protests.

    We’re an equal opportunity household when it comes to getting screamed at trying to keep our little charge clean and presentable.

    At least her hair is fluffy now and I know all the bad words in Spanish as a bonus. :)

    Until next time,

    TH and Co.

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  4. The Costco Run

    I missed the inaugural Costco Run with the family and I’m okay with that.

    pxl 20261107 214232554

    But the ladies went to the brand new Costco in town on a Saturday afternoon after Halloween where all of a sudden it’s Christmas all the time now apparently and we have the pre-made gingerbread house to prove it.

    If you have ever gone to Costco, you know the rule: stick to the script.

    BW did not stick to the script.

    They went for an activity and to get butter and cream cheese and maybe some milk. Nowhere in the list was there any mention of tiny pannettone cakes for me, a toy to give for toys for tots. 1 and some chocolate bark that is delicious and I have zero willpower it seems.

    All these things were not on the list, but part of the Costco experience..where you experience your money disappearing faster than you would like.

    The child found a friend to bring with her so they both entertain each other - but they hit the sample stands more than once and finally BW had to pull them away from the bacon samples.

    Speaking of bacon - it’s not a trip to Costco without the mandatory hot dog. While BW was ordering the tube steaks she sat down the kiddos beside an older gentleman and his son and when BW got back they were all chatting as if they were long lost friends.

    Tonight when getting the update from the Child she told me that she sat next to an older man while eating a hot dog.

    Her eyes then get as big as saucers and she tells me that

    he was 65.

    “THAT’s OLDER THAN YOU, DAD!! “

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. this one is forgiven because we’re lucky enough to be able to do this again this year. You can too. ↩

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  5. The Evening of Discontent

    All our dependents were not on their best behavior tonight.

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    It should have been easier. It was family fun night at the school after all. I even have photographic evidence.

    pxl 20261106 234325378 editeverybody smile and pretend we’re having a good time

    I blame tired and bored.

    First, the tired.##

    Whomever decided that a Friday night after a long week of school is a good idea to have a family fun night was not thinking this out thoroughly.

    She was tired from the get go and it showed. The draw was the pizza food truck - and the cannoli truck but I will get to that in a minute.

    BW and I were both starving == so our first thought was food. The child had other ideas so we ended up with dividing up and I was in charge of the food and they went to the book sale.

    When I found them and the child did not want to eat with us so she went and disappeared with friends and this left BW and I sitting at a little kiddie table in the hallway eating our pizzas together.

    “This counts as a date”, I told her as we were gnawing on our overpriced dinner from a truck ” I’m good for a while now”, I told her.

    The pizza date was highlight and it all went downhill from there. The child wasn’t misbehaved exacly, but overwhelmed with activity after a long week and so there were more no’s and whining coming out of her.

    We played a board game or two but none of our hearts were in it so after just one more lap to the gym to throw a ball around for a bit and a family portrait that shows we actually went, we got out of there.

    But first, the cannoli. We had to hit the cannoli truck. Okay, fine - but we’re having it when we’re home. It’s too cold to stand outside and eat a fancy donut and we have milk at home that goes with this.

    more whining happened.

    We got home, canoli eaten and tooth brushed, and then my little charge has had all the fun should could handle and she was finally out.

    Then, there’s the dog

    Winter - or at least cool weather is here. This means the dog is inside. This means the dog is bored and when the dog gets bored it eats stuff it should not eat.

    It follows you around looking for constant attention and if you don’t then it decides to go to the child’s bedroom and steal something she should not and eat it.

    Both BW and I have caught the dog with contraband that should not be in her digestive system.

    I am thankful for two things:

    1. The child doesn’t seem to care that the toys get eaten and at times go though the dog. Just don’t mess with her papers and cardboard boxes because she has plans for those.

    2. The child and I were talking about the dog and trips to the vet and how it’s amazing what the dog has eaten and still lived to tell the tale.

    Friday night:

    1. the house is a mess
    2. the child is tired and cranky
    3. the dog is still alive

    The good news out of all this is the date night I had with BW.

    It was Pizza in a school hallway but every night can’t be dinner on rooftops with candlelight - sometimes the best ones are with the ones with pumpkin artwork by second graders hanging in the hallway behind you while you share a cold pizza.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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