Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. Not Feeling It

    She mentioned this the other night to me.

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    Her Bedroom was all wrong.

    “I’m just not feeling it”, she told me.

    Wrong color, wrong photos, wrong desk - you name it. It was all not her space.

    I told her we can fix that.

    We’re starting out small.

    Today we picked paint colors.

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    and I have to say- these are pretty good. Maybe not the darker ones - but she has a plan.

    It’s going to be a K-Pop Demon Hunters themed bedroom.

    At one point there was talk of one color per wall, but we have managed to get her to agree to just two colors.

    I mentioned to her that this is a long project the painting and with all the busyness around here this is not a tomorrow thing.

    In the meantime, we’re going to move a desk, drape a sheet, and string some LED lights in the corner to make a cozy reading nook.

    I’m hoping by doing this she will forget about the painting for a while. Until she’s 18 hopefully - or the K-pop demon hunters go out of style.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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  2. Unmet Expectations

    Considering Amazon is already pushing the holiday season full blast, we figured today would be a good day to decorate the tree outdoors with lights.

    45 days to go says Google.

    There’s a cold snap on the way and now that we have a child we want her to have memories of the glow of Christmas lights on the tree outside her window so she can have the perfect childhood.

    kieran white sbdmqcw8qag unsplash 1*Photo by Kieran White on Unsplash1

    I could have done this alone. In hindsight I may have preferred to do it alone. In fact, I pretty much did do it alone because of the idea:reality ratio.

    If you’ve never heard of the idea:reality ratio, let me give you an example:

    As a subscriber to this newsletter the idea would be to be entertained while reading. The reality is that the content is middling at best – and it’s gotten so bad that readers are unsubscribing daily and even BW has complained.

    This brings us to the tree:

    The idea: the fall leaves, the breeze, the laughter of children playing while your wife helpfully assists in making sure each little bulb is placed just so for a pinterest-worthy card while she holds your hot chocolate waiting for you when get down from the ladder.

    The reality: it’s just freaking cold and windy, the child and the wife got bored long ago and somebody let the dog outside. BW has found somebody on the street to talk to and the child has decided whilst I turn my attention for a second to attempt to climb up and hang her own decorations and then complain that she’s scared and the step stool is wobbly.

    Meanwhile, I’ve got these crappy little lights BW bought on TEMU get caught on every effing branch and I’m not dragging a big ladder outside just to fall off it because there’s no good spot to lean it against a tree.

    This leaves us with the result of “eh, good enough” for tree decorating this year.

    Summary

    You may see those well-meaning Christmas catalogs with the perfect trees and houses decorated and everybody is wearing perfect little outfits where even the plaids on the shirts match the linings of the cute little boots.

    You might even dream that if only you bought those Christmas lights and started to wear plaid that you too could live the perfect little life of plaid and lights - not only this Christmas – but for many more to come.

    That’s the idea talking. The idea just talks.

    The reality doesn’t talk. It demonstrates.

    Tonight they demonstrated they do not work at all.

    This is my reality.

    Until Next Time, TH and Co.

    1. This is not our tree. This is a very pretty tree. again, NOT OUR TREE. ↩

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  3. The Dog Ate My Homework

    Yes, it’s true.

    tasha kostyuk sjst8vdkn28 unsplash Photo by Tasha Kostyuk on Unsplash

    The dog really did eat the child’s homework tonight.

    Here’s how this played out:

    She came home with a task. Take a printout of a turkey and disguise it so it doesn’t look like a turkey - put ears on it - paint it pink and call it a pig - whatever.

    She decided the turkey should be a bunny. A brown bunny. Paint it brown, add some long ears …glue a cotton ball on the end - and done.

    We were getting ready for dinner so we had to turn the kitchen table back into a kitchen table and not an art table.

    She put her turkeybunny on a little kid-sized table that we have in the kitchen for her as she likes to st and play there sometimes.

    This table is about…dog level.

    You know where this is going.

    At first, I got blamed - then we searched and even shone a light under the fridge 1 thinking it might have slipped underneath somehow.

    Then almost offhand I said - did you ask the dog? And lo and behold we found the artwork in the dog crate in a million little pieces.

    Bless our little child though - she has so many toys eaten by the dog over the years she is completely numb to it.

    I think she thinks this is normal – the same way she thinks having an older underemployed father is normal too:

    The dog eats stuff it shouldn’t and I don’t do much - that’s how we roll here.

    I sent the email to her teacher that we need another turkey template sent home tomorrow for the project because:

    THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK.

    True story.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. something I regret because now it looks like I have clean underneath the fridge soon. ↩

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  4. The volume knob

    I swear – the volume goes to 11 here at times.

    pxl 20261108 160941639 we started swimming lessons again - this was one of the quieter moments

    It’s after dinner and we’re all getting tired. The child is in the tub.

    The child loves the tub, but soap can be optional. Tonight was a night when soap should not be optional.

    BW goes up to “help”. The child protests and then they start to scream at each other in spanish which I think is hilarious because now this is all on BW.

    Me? I’m out. This is BW’s burden now.

    I don’t ask further questions and go back to my dishes.

    The volume gets louder and louder and then the finale is the child is in total upset and BW comes down with a report.

    “Her hair is washed”, BW tells me.

    I don’t think this is the “volume” the shampoo ads had in mind when they made the ads about how wonderful their shampoo is”:

    Just imagine:

    Our new shampoo by JEAN LUC PICARD is guaranteed to make your hair fluffier and your next door neighbors annoyed by the noise of children protesting in the tub.

    I was in charge of hair drying and it was my turn for the protests.

    We’re an equal opportunity household when it comes to getting screamed at trying to keep our little charge clean and presentable.

    At least her hair is fluffy now and I know all the bad words in Spanish as a bonus. :)

    Until next time,

    TH and Co.

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  5. The Costco Run

    I missed the inaugural Costco Run with the family and I’m okay with that.

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    But the ladies went to the brand new Costco in town on a Saturday afternoon after Halloween where all of a sudden it’s Christmas all the time now apparently and we have the pre-made gingerbread house to prove it.

    If you have ever gone to Costco, you know the rule: stick to the script.

    BW did not stick to the script.

    They went for an activity and to get butter and cream cheese and maybe some milk. Nowhere in the list was there any mention of tiny pannettone cakes for me, a toy to give for toys for tots. 1 and some chocolate bark that is delicious and I have zero willpower it seems.

    All these things were not on the list, but part of the Costco experience..where you experience your money disappearing faster than you would like.

    The child found a friend to bring with her so they both entertain each other - but they hit the sample stands more than once and finally BW had to pull them away from the bacon samples.

    Speaking of bacon - it’s not a trip to Costco without the mandatory hot dog. While BW was ordering the tube steaks she sat down the kiddos beside an older gentleman and his son and when BW got back they were all chatting as if they were long lost friends.

    Tonight when getting the update from the Child she told me that she sat next to an older man while eating a hot dog.

    Her eyes then get as big as saucers and she tells me that

    he was 65.

    “THAT’s OLDER THAN YOU, DAD!! “

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. this one is forgiven because we’re lucky enough to be able to do this again this year. You can too. ↩

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