Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. I'm Not Tired

    Oh, yes you are. Mommy says so.

    We were doing so well. Until we were not

    Photo by Pramod Tiwari on Unsplash

    I was so proud of myself and with just about ten more days until she’s seven I thought that maybe, just maybe we were done with the bedtime screaming and we had outgrown it.

    I was wrong.

    This is partially the fault of the parents. The child was upstairs, and without warning BW asked the child to turn off the tablet and put on PJ’s. It was time to go to bed, and the parents were doing other stuff and lost track of time.

    Cue the screaming.

    “I’m not tired!”, she bellowed. I tried to tell her the facts showed otherwise and if you’re in tears while you’re screaming that you’re not tired - changes are you are tired. Trust me, I get cranky when I get tired too. I get it.

    It’s okay to be tired.

    She then said she wanted to live in an old mansion. As we got PJ’s on and she settled down a bit I explained that the life she has now is much better because back in the day when real mansions 1 were lived in they didn’t have real toothpaste and had to use cat litter and mint.

    This did not work.

    “I want a huggie”, she bellowed.

    I told her that’s not how this works. You cannot tell Mommy NO and then when I come to police the situation, you ask me for a hug. Brush your teeth and be happy it’s not cat litter and mint and then we can talk about a huggie.

    She’s in bed now, we’re settled down and the huggies have been administered. I told her that if she closes her eyes and then makes it all the way through listening to her 40 minute story about penguins then she can tell me she’s not tired.

    This did not go as planned. She stayed awake the entire time and then came downstairs just as I started to write.

    “Dad, I’m not tired”, she said as she peeked around the corner.

    Sigh.

    She stayed awake. I get her back in the bed for the 2nd time and tell her that she can’t disobey mommy like that because she’s the boss. The child tries to manipulate me by saying that I’m the boss, but tell her no. Mommy is always the boss - we’re just the supporting cast.

    The pecking order is mommy first and you better start listening to her because in 5 days we are planning to go to Great Wolf Lodge to celebrate your birthday. If you don’t start listening we can have 5 no fun days.

    I open my hand and spread out my fingers and count to five. Then I ask her if I take away five how many are left?

    “Zero”, she says.

    Exactly, I tell her. It would be a real shame if we had to stay home because you didn’t behave five days before we go because you wouldn’t listen to your mother.

    We haven’t heard a peep since.

    Behave yourself,

    TH and Co.

    1. McMansions do not count. ↩

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  2. Back in the Day - The Land Line

    When talking was a big deal.

    While waiting for the bus to arrive, we were standing in the front hallway where we have an antique phone on table as a decoration/dust collector.

    Photo by Mike Meyers on Unsplash

    She started to “dial” and play with it - which is fine, but then she asked me about the letters mean on the display. I had to explain that some companies might have phone numbers with letters so this way you knew what letters to dial. Or better yet even: way way way back in the day before Dad was born they had numbers that also had letters too so there’s that.

    I told her that some companies would have phone numbers like 12-MONEY or 52-FLUSH and she loved that and asked why we don’t have a number like that I told her it’s because we’re not a business.1

    But then she realized that she could spell her name with the dial and I swear if we hadn’t heard the bus rumbling down the road to stop at the door we could have stayed there with Dad’s telephone history as today’s class.

    I told her that back in the day we had only one phone. Usually in a common part of the home. Sometimes a front hall, or the kitchen. Mostly the kitchen, if I remember correctly with that long cord that would get twisted in knots somehow no matter how hard you tried not to.

    I then told her that later on we had two phones in the house: one downstairs and one upstairs - usually in the bedroom for those dreaded 2 am calls that were never good. ever.

    When I was a teen the rich kids had their own line and I thought that was just ridiculous. Who would need their own phone line? That would take the fun out of it when you answered and you had no idea who was calling. Not a clue. It could be somebody trying to sell you something, your best friend or worst of all: your school. Those calls were the worst.

    If the call was not for you, you would do what we all do: hold the receiver to your chest and then yell at the top of your lungs the name of whomever the call was for. God forbid you put the phone down and go find the person via a quieter method. Nope. It was always with the yelling.

    Then came the question: If it wasn’t for you - did you put the receiver down on desk and leave or did you talk to the caller until the person arrived that they wanted to talk to? Sometimes you would end up talking to the caller more than the person they intended to call.

    I miss the land line. There was something more physical and “real” about it. There actually was another person at the end of the line. If you were home you answered, and if you weren’t home, you were not home. Period. The phone just rang and rang and told your friends that you were not home. It was a very simple system that worked just fine.

    If the phone rang late at night? Nobody called late night past about 10. At the very latest and if they did it better be an emergency.

    And if your teacher called? “Sorry, wrong number”

    Let your fingers do the walking,

    TH and Co.

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  3. Dear Roborock.

    A love letter to our favorite robot vaccuum robot manufacturer.

    Dear Roborock,

    This holiday season we were gifted one of your models - I forget which one as you electronics folks seem to think that naming your models like QZ7-56-BLK is a name that rolls of the tip of our tongue like water on a ducks back. You should take a hint from Apple - have you ever heard of “ iPhone ”? I have, and I’m only six-years-old. I can also recognize the McDonald’s Arches from 2 miles away. My Dad says I have superpowers.

    SPOILER ALERT: Your naming sucks.

    We have named our specific model RUMIIIIIII. It sounds like the other brand that makes robot vacuums but is different enough that their legal team is not bothered by this similar name.

    My Dad and I just want you to know we have some thoughts about using this model and any of your models. First, have you considered entering the entertainment niche with your devices? We have cancelled all our streaming plans and now just follow “RUMIIIIIII” around all day because OMG our floors have never been so clean! and it’s so much fun watching her zip around the house and scaring the Dog.

    But the real reason I am writing is that we find your marketing messaging lacking and want to show you what we think would be a better fit for your brand.

    First, you need a team. Maybe a marketing team? (see my note about the naming above. This needs work. Seriously, dudes)

    I have taken the liberty to design a new look for your company golf shirts:

    I’m thinking a pale green and rainbow tie-die would look nice, because those are the colors I wore to school today.

    And…like as I mentioned above - your naming of this device is horrible. Period.

    Please see below. I feel this is the right look for your print advertising:

    Not one company has ever used SEVEN I’s in their product name before and you could be an industry leader in this space. Also, I feel that the logo also shows the device itself and it’s dock so that the customer will get a more precise idea of what they are paying. These things aren’t cheap and we feel it’s best to be up front in the product marketing that it be constant and representative of the products across your entire lineup.

    Then there’s the enthusiasm for your products. Do you know who your fans are? I do. My Dad loves his RUMIIIIIII (trademark pending - don’t even try to infringe) and has a entire diary just about his new RUMIIIIIII (remember what I said about the trademark - this is your final warning)

    That’s right. Your biggest fan is my Dad. He’s such a big fan he has a secret diary about his love for his RUMIIIIIII:

    I know I’m not supposed to peek into other’s diaries but I could not help myself just this one time and look what I found!

    Sorry for the lack of spelling. It’s “hearts”. He knows better, I would have a word with him but then he would know I was reading his diary so this time I will let it slip and we can edit it in post-production.

    I think a Roborock diary club would be a great way to increase your sales. In addition to all the accessories you sell like cleaner, and mop heads - if you added a diary club and then you could sell markers because they dry out when the caps get left off (ask me how I know) and of course the diaries themselves. And don’t get me started about the idea for RUMIIIIIII trading cards I have..

    I’m looking forward to some free swag at least for all these ideas. Creativity isn’t free you know - You’re paying for my marketing experience. I am six-years-old after all and at least I KNOW WHAT AN IPHONE IS.

    Bro, Seriously.

    Thank you for your attention to this matter.

    The Child.

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  4. The Toy Box

    Suddenly what’s old is new again.

    This is a story about choices.

    Photo by Tasha Kostyuk on Unsplash

    From my point of view the overstuffed toy box was a disaster in a box. There were broken crayons and puzzle pieces and sets that were no longer toy sets and OMG so much junk. So much junk.

    From her point of view, I think it was the same. There was so much junk in there that she has completely ignored the contents for a good month at least - rarely opening it and then closing it because there was so much stuff.

    Today was the day. Today, I tackled the toy box.

    We’re on the precipice of toys, I think. They’re still used, but they are usually used in more creative ways 1 than their intended use. Crafts and paper and writing for the most part seem to get used a lot more. If I had to guess, we have one more year of the toy box and matching kitchen set 2

    So…ya. The toy box was a mess.

    How messy? Glad you asked…

    I can almost see the end of the tunnel

    that garbage bag is half full.

    I tossed a lot of stuff out because a lot of it gave nobody joy but once I got the box emptied and the broken/old/missing toys in the black garbage bag I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I found: LOTS of stuff for her kitchen. Pots, food, toast - even a latte machine in there. It took a while, but I managed to get it all sorted out and put back a bit better than buried at the bottom of a toy box.

    The rest got put into little storage bags or their specific spots

    • Play-Doh
    • Little ponies
    • Crayons and art supplies
    • Magnetic tiles
    • Veterinary play set
    • Diner play set

    The result was a toy box that looks completely empty compared to when it was started. We had our fun but we no longer have use for a purple wig and other such items so they were either tossed or donated.

    What’s funny is that when she got home I showed her and instead of being “bored” she got right to playing with her new old toys- now that she could get at and see the toys she took no time to get into veterinarian mode and take care of her little puppy:

    Later after dinner we played restaurant - again because she could find the stuff she could easily get to it and play with it.

    For those curious, I had the fish and french fries and BW had the steak and a tomato because that’s what the restaurant had. Also, this was not a cheap meal. With tariffs, this cost us a million dollars. It’s a good thing I know the chef and we got a discount.

    The toy box was overwhelming to all of us for different reasons but now we’ve got things under control and toys are easily found

    The best part? Toys are now easy to put away because dear old Dad organized everything.

    I’m not sure how long this Zen toy box will continue but for now it’s a great thing for both of us.

    Want to know what’s not great? My back after leaning over this thing for over an hour digging and sorting it all out.

    Send Tylenol.

    TH and Co.

    1. today I was handed a rock in a purse and told it was a billion dollars. ↩

    2. a story: we ended up getting this $200 kitchen set for her for free because it was Christmas Eve and I was missing a part and the manufacturer didn’t have any in stock so they refunded us the entire price. The piece wasn’t really essential and we’ve been using it for years without the piece just fine. ↩

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  5. The Purge

    When you realize what gives you joy isn’t what you thought it would be

    Marie Kondo I’m not.

    Neither is BW, and the child is definitely not.

    The day started well enough. BW and the child went to swimming lessons and I went and tried to Uber but the roads were too icy so I came home for lunch as an accident isn’t worth the risk.

    This leaves us with a Sunday afternoon to kill. BW was shopping for furniture on her phone as she is apt to do - when she found this light:

    She then told me that it was what I was getting for my anniversary gift this year.1

    Not the gift I was hoping for, but happy wife = happy life. So I’m getting a lamp.

    Yay me.

    Something changed after that. BW started to look around and started to repeat “we have too much stuff” over and over again. I started to worry.

    Anyway, one thing led to another and before I knew it I was getting rid of these 2 lamps on eBay:

    “I’m sick of looking at these lamps and tables”, she said. “They are going”

    Okay then.

    I tried to convince her to sell them locally but we really don’t remember what we paid or what they’re worth so I will list them and see what they go for. I’m pretty sure that we didn’t pay much for them years ago so as they say in daycare: we get what we get and we won’t get upset.

    The tables the lamp were sitting on are also ~~going~~ gone now. She gave them away on the Facebook group she is a member and then there was a footstool we had that was an acquired taste that I never really loved, so that went too while we were at it.

    It all happened so fast- this purging of the stuff.

    At this point the child and I were wondering if we were going to be next.

    “I have seniority”, I told the child.

    “I’m younger”, she replied. “You’re old”

    Thankfully BW stopped at giving away lamps and footstools and end tables so for the time being it looks like the child and I escaped the great purge of 2026

    We do have a coffee table that I’m also getting for our anniversary.

    I’m so lucky.

    At least I will have somewhere to put down my coffee cup and the lighting will be better.

    I have seen the light 2 - and it’s family that makes a home and that’s what brings me joy.

    After all, it was LOVE DAY today:3

    I can’t handle all this Joy

    TH and Co.

    1. Fourteen and counting. ↩

    2. that I will be getting. ↩

    3. I have no idea why - you’ll have to ask the child. ↩

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