Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. Home Alone

    I’m writing this listening to headphones and while sitting in my recliner.

    ALONE IN THE HOUSE!

    Want to know how often this happens normally? Never. Every time I try to do this I sit down and then count: 1…2…3....

    “Hey Dad!” I’m bored. “Hey Dad, play with me”…

    So this is new. Or at least it’s been a while. (the last time the ladies left town)

    You see after the fun we had with the car purchase earlier this week, BW wanted to get away from the everyday and so she pulled the child out of school for the day on Friday and then she booked it out of state to see family and show off her new wheels.

    I’m okay with this. Need I to remind you that I am writing this uninterrupted?

    This doesn’t mean that I’ve been sitting on my laurels. I’ve actually been busy working driving around the folks of Niagara Falls, NY. And taking care of the dog. And eating frozen pizza.

    It’s just like the “back in the day” when I was single and underemployed - this being home alone thing. And I won’t lie - it’s nice to have a quiet house with no interruptions but after a few days it gets old and I miss the chaos.

    It was a busy week here so BW left me with a household of chaos and tomorrow I get to be the tidy husband and spend a good part of the day tidying. The child’s room especially needs some TLC. I don’t know what happened in there but it’s not pretty.

    But tonight I party and ignore the mess. I might even stay up late past 11pm. 🥳

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  2. The Kindergarten Show

    Today was the big day.

    She had been practicing this for what seems like weeks and possibly months and after some confusions on her part with dates and calendars today was really the big day.

    She was excited, as she woke up and hopped into bed with us singing.

    I guess it’s a good thing to be greeted with song. I happened when the dog turned three so singing in bed is not an everyday thing here and that’s good. Daily singing would be a little much.

    I was doing my best trying to stay asleep but when you have multiple knees and elbows jabbed into your body it’s hard to sleep.

    So, I listened to songs sung in bed.

    The first was something about how small acorns make big trees. Another was something called “keepy uppy” and now that I have been to the concert this makes a bit more sense. They sang and there were balloons that they had to keep in the air. This also explains why she was dancing around the house singing “keepy uppy” and playing with our week old birthday balloons that are still kicking around.

    The concert was only about a half hour long if that and of course from our vantage point we could barely see her let alone photograph her from the nose bleed seats we were in. I guess you have to go to early to these events.

    She sang a song or two and did a great job. Then it was time for curtain call and the bows of close to 100 kindergarten performers. God Bless the Teachers.

    Maybe she will “keepy uppy” with the singing and we will have a performer in our midst.

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  3. The Dealership Experience

    So. New Car Day.

    Exciting? Yes?

    Well…

    It seems that when you buy a new car these days the deal is broken down into 2 parts:

    1. The sales experience. This is where you go in and talk money and even test drive. We didn’t test drive. We knew what we wanted and we just bought the thing.
    2. The delivery experience. This is where you sign a few things on the iPad and they hand you the keys and show you how the nine million options on the screen work.

    Part One was fine.

    Part Two was a shit show.

    The sales side of things was pretty easy: We told them what we wanted and had a list of all the rebates we were eligible for and then we agreed on numbers and there you go. We didn’t even get pushed to buy any crap or hidden fees. This part worked just fine. Even better than fine.

    The delivery? Not so much.

    BW had been on the phone all morning making sure all the i’s were dotted and the t’s were crossed with all the money and paperwork - the whole shebang. All we had to do was show up at our 1:00pm appointment and sign and drive - just like they say in the ads.

    We showed up at 1:00. And waited and waited and waited.

    Finally at 1:40 the self-described “new guy” shows up and at the beginning things were promising. We signed a few documents and we should be out of here. Folks, it took forever. I would not be surprised if it was a good half an hour at least.

    Then because we got the “new guy” who had never done this before he had to call some other guy who also seemed to be new show up. Now we have 2 clowns that don’t know what they are doing. Finally he hands us the keys only to realize they didn’t know we had our own plates

    While they were more concerned about the weather outside (I kid you not) and if they could somehow figure out the printer amongst the three of them. They told BW to sit in the car and eventually figure how it all works. And then they disappeared for a good 20 minutes

    You guys this thing is fully loaded with all the toys. These clowns had no idea how any of it worked. I had left by this point because I thought BW would get shown how to work the car. I was wrong.

    A delivery of a new car is not like “back in the day” as my daughter says. These things are computers on wheels and these two had no idea what they were doing. Finally they managed to get her Bluetooth working but then sent her on her way because she had to go pick up the child from school and seeing that these guys were useless there was no point in sticking around.

    There was no bow on the car. Heck, forget a bow - they didn’t even pull the car out of the parking spot where the detailers parked it to show her how to work things and make a bit of a show of things and have some more room to get in and out. This is important stuff and an EV is a bit different when driving and braking etc. until you get used to things - or have them set to your liking.

    Also, did you know? We got told we get 2 free oil changes? And no, we don’t need the etching on catalytic converter because:

    Wait for it....

    IT’S AN ELECTRIC CAR.! You idiots!

    We don’t need free oil changes. We need employees that need to know their product and a dealership that make you want to come back and make us feel just a little bit special on the day we are buying what is the 2nd most expensive purchase ever - the first one being the house we live in.

    Today the dealership failed us. It’s not a surprise but it’s a disappointment.

    This was BW’s big day and the delivery experience was such a letdown it’s not funny anymore.

    Oh, the car itself? It’s great. She loves it.

    If we can figure out how to drive it.

    It’s a new car! (note the lack of bow or helpful staff)

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  4. The Prankster

    It started when she was gifted a hand-me down book on pranks from her cousin.

    boogers are funny

    You can buy your own here

    And now, she’s obsessed with pranks.

    And I am not obsessed with pranks.

    No, I really do not want to help you make a fart machine or fake vomit. I’m good really thank you for asking.

    She thinks this book is the most amazing thing ever though. The prank thing started a few weeks back but we have hit peak prank here today. She found this book in her bookcase and TBH, we totally forgot about it - but boy oh boy - she did not.

    Reading this book is the first thing she wants to do in the morning, and the first thing she wants to do when she comes home from school. We tell her that she’s big and can read it herself, but she won’t because the print is small and life is hard. She told us tonight she would have to have bigger eyes to be able to read type too small.

    I reality, she just wants me to cave and read it to her and I think I might like to do anything else than read a book on how to make really bad pranks

    So yeah. Pranks are a thing here.

    Tonight when I went into her bedroom the room reeked of perfume.

    Last year she was gifted some perfume. In fact I already wrote about how it was a bad parenting choice here so I won’t repeat myself.

    After almost getting knocked out by the stink, I asked her if she sprayed perfume on her pillows again?

    She lied, and said no.

    We had a lot of fun and I tickled her until she finally caved and admitted to the caper of the stinky bedroom.

    She lied and lied and lied like she was a natural and she did this all the time. This is worrisome. I’m pretty sure I will not be able to tickle the truth out of her when she’s older.

    As one does when you get caught with your finger on the trigger of the perfume spray you get dragged to jail (bed) and you get your photo taken:

    Wanted: The Perfume Bandit. AKA The Stinky Pumpkin.

    Her sentence: She was handed her favorite stuffed toy and told to stay in bed until the morning.

    She got off easy this time.

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  5. Be Kind and Respectful

    It was a bittersweet day today.

    One one hand, we went to the dealership and bought the new Chevy. It arrives in a few days probably. This is the uneventful part really. Sign here, here and here and we’ll call you when it’s ready.

    Great.

    The sad part of the day was that even though it was entirely her decision, there were a few tears when the tow truck loaded up the Tesla and drove away after all the papers were signed.

    “It’s okay Mommy”

    This was the dream car for BW since almost as long as we’ve been married. The Tesla was the unobtainable for a long time so to have the market change and the prices drop to a reasonable price was a dream come true. This was her dream car.

    So when it loaded on the truck, BW cried. The child followed suit and of course broke in to a chorus of “huggie!” - that’s her way of dealing: somebody, anybody please give me a hug!

    Once everybody was settled down she wanted to know again why we got rid of the Tesla. So I propped her on my lap and told her that the man that made the Tesla went from being a man that was doing good for the world, is now not doing nice things to the world so we don’t want to give him any of our money.

    I told her that one example of him not being so nice was he wanted to take money away from little old ladies and it was their money and they should be allowed to spend it later when they get old. I told her this man wants to to take their money and give them less than they deserve.

    There was silence for some time as she thought about this and processed it in her little brain.

    “He should be kind and respectful” she finally said.

    Yes, Pumpkin. He should.

    Maybe one day we can buy another dream car from a man (or woman!) who is kind and respectful.

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