Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. There’s Sand in my Bed

    There was sand in her bed.

    It seems that earlier in the evening she was downstairs playing with kinetic sand in the family room and she managed to track it into her bed.

    “It feels funny on my legs”, she says

    “Go to Bed”, I say

    “It Feels Funny”, she replied.

    “Go to Bed”, I repeat.

    I took the top sheet and had her lie on that instead of under it and she’s like aaaaaahhhh, that’s better. Okay, whatevergoodnightIloveyou.

    The problem is, even though she’s a fiddly and fussy sort (I wonder where she got that from) she’s still okay. I’m gonna keep her.

    Today she wanted to go to her friends up the street and play and without really thinking I said okay. But then BW reminded me that it’s really cold and windy out so I ran out and brought her back in the freezing cold and we had hot cocoa.

    Also, we used the last of the Amazon credit we had burning a hole in our pocket and I bought her this hoodie seeing as we are still on the my little pony thing here.

    A hoodie with wings!

    After the hot chocolate we had “breakfast for dinner” which is kind of funny because that’s what they had for her at school today so with all the bacon consumed I am pretty sure she’s good for sodium for a bit. She had ice cream for dessert at school and leftover birthday cake here so she won’t be withering away with starvation any time soon.

    Bath time is getting easier which is nice. If I can get her to pay attention and settle down and work on the task at hand, she can get herself into the tub and out into PJ’s. But tooth brushing is still a bit of a struggle.

    And bedtime is still a long drawn out adventure but that’s on me for the most part.

    I cleaned up again today as I am apt to do – and found this:

    It’s gonna suck when this stops and all she does is ask me for money or an iPhone- or both.

    So for now, I will celebrate the easier bath nights and the random love notes and call today a win.

    I guess you could say that today was like a day at the beach. In February.

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  2. Literally Made In China

    I think the child has been watching too much Fox News.

    This is the only reason I have for her behavior.

    Just before I left her room after tucking her in she takes a look at the stuffed animal she’s holding, reads it’s tag and says to me “Dad, this is Literally Made in China!”

    Literally?

    You’re kidding right. Nobody around here speaks like this. It’s not 1984 and you’re not a valley girl and you’re definitely not the POTUS because if you were I would soooo be sending you to your room in Palm Springs for a time out.

    Today has not been a good day for us here. Literally.

    She did not want to get up out of the bed for BW this morning and in protest of waking up she KICKED BW

    Today she learned a lesson called consequences: If you kick anybody, it’s an instant no fun day here. INSTANT. We do not kick.

    She knew she was misbehaved because she didn’t put up too much of fight about not having dessert (a cardinal sin here) or just having to go to bed without “sillies” (as they are called here)

    She told me that stopping kicking is “literally hard” (there’s that word again) and she can’t. I told her it’s understandable and waking up is hard to do but there is no kicking. You can moan and groan and ask for coffee and five more minutes like mommy does, but you cannot kick.

    “You can kick a soccer ball – that’s it. Every thing else does not get kicked” I told her.

    You will act like literally the bigly girl you are. You can do better. Really.

    Like, OMG.

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  3. The Amazon Man

    Yesterday I wrote about how after some deliberation on her end she finally picked a birthday gift to buy with the funds from the gift card she was given.

    The Pet Vet Set was set to arrive today. And as I wrote, the plan was to have her friend come over after school and have Pet Vet Set Party

    But. There’s always a but.

    No Pet Vet Set.

    Not on the porch, or in a boat or on a moat or with a goat. This Pet Vet Set was nowhere to be found.

    Of course, as soon as I picked her up from school the question was: Is my Pet Vet Set Here?

    No, sorry.

    When will it get here?

    I told her I didn’t know but as soon as I knew something that she would be the first to know.

    I checked the tracking: It said sometime before 10PM.

    I told her that there was a time limit and should could not stay up until 10pm to see if it showed up. Sometimes things get delayed and if it doesn’t show up by 7pm then you will have to wait for tomorrow.

    She was less than thrilled by that idea.

    Then the tracking stated it would arrive between 5:15 and 6:15.

    It did not arrive between 5:15 and 6:15

    When will it arrive? She asked.

    I tried to explain the different reasons why the package would be late. It could have got damaged, the delivery driver stopped for lunch and so on. She wasn’t buying it and she was set on the Pet Vet Set and it better arrive today dammit.

    Finally the acceptance stage was here and she asked to play with Lego instead because at 6:15 there was no sign of the Pet Vet Set. But just as we were starting to pull out the Lego pieces out we got the notification that never gets old:

    Your package is 10 Stops Away

    And then it was 8 stops, and 6 stops and the kid drove a completely different direction for a bit and then made it around the corner.

    There were squeals of delight as the Amazon Van came into view. But then the Van went to the neighbors house. You should have seen the look of disappointment.

    But then hope. The van pulled out of the neighbors and into our driveway and then on our front porch at about 6:45 was a Pet Vet Set and we had a very happy six year old.

    Phew, just in time! We had a good 20 minutes or so with the new Pet Vet Set and then it was time for bed and so we packed up all the tools and put them in the toy box so the dog would not eat them.

    She grabbed the two Pets out of the set and then went to bed without too much protest.

    It was close, but Amazon…delivered.

    That, my friends is the longest and possibly most boring story about a toy we bought on Amazon.

    Tomorrow: My New Socks!

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  4. Groundhog Day

    Item Number 1

    As soon as I got home she was very concerned to tell me that groundhog day is okay by her and “winter is not that bad”.

    I might want to disagree with her but I don’t

    “Yeah” she says, “You can make snowman and snow angels and go sledding, so winter is fun!”

    I have other thoughts about winter right now.

    I’m so over this

    If I was to guess she went to school today and had a day-late discussion about groundhog day. Now, as a dual citizen – who do believe: Wiarton Willy or Punxsutawney Phil?

    Choices.

    Item number 2

    As if she needs more gifts for her birthday.

    We have been periodically scrolling Amazon as she was given a gift card by her aunt which was very generous. Thank you.

    Here were the choices:

    1. Karaoke Machine – NO. That’s a no.
    2. Voice Changer – Even a harder no
    3. Tacos vs Burritos – this looked like fun, but she vetoed it
    4. A tent/camping set – We have no room. Besides she already has a tent
    5. Magnetic Blocks – Was a contender for a bit, but no.
    6. My Little Pony hoodie. Apparently there is such a thing as too much pony
    7. Life sized Teddy Bear – We have no room. See number 4.

    After some soul searching and a bit of coaxing we managed to pick

    ONLY 24 Pieces

    She’s very excited about this as the toy comes tomorrow and she can’t wait to tell her best friend Ethel on the bus tomorrow so they can play pet vet after school tomorrow.

    This is good because regardless of what the groundhog thinks tomorrow is going to pretty crappy weather-wise. It will be a great day for this.

    I just hope they don’t decide to play pretend pet vet on the real dog.

    Item Number 3

    Remember last week when she almost missed the bus?

    We made her write an apology letter to the bus driver for making him wait for her. It’s a lesson she needs to learn not to be late. It’s disrespectful.

    We had to wait until today to hand Mr.Dave the Bus Driver the card as there was a substitute driver.

    Anyway, she had totally forgotten about this and she thought she was in the clear.

    Until we reminded her that she had to still give Mr. Dave his card.

    She turned red and stated “I don’t know how I feel about this”.

    I do. You’re handing him the card.

    Later on the drive home, when she got on the bus to go home Mr. Dave told her he would always wait for her and apology accepted.

    We told her that despite the fact that Mr. Dave said this doesn’t mean you can be late. It means the opposite – that you don’t want Mr. Dave to have to wait for you ever.

    Later when we were going to bed I told her how proud I was of her giving Mr. Dave the card and that I know it was hard but sometimes an apology is hard to make.

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  5. She Burst Into Tears

    I missed the actual event as I was out, but apparently the child randomly broke into tears today when I was gone.

    No warning. No Reason.

    Just. Tears. Because.

    I thought we had more time. I thought I had until ‘tween’ before the emotions just randomly erupted but apparently not.

    It’s not like she had a bad day today either. I fact, far from it.

    She lived her best life today too and she was sooo excited to tell me when I got home about her adventures:

    She went swimming and she’s getting better and is actually using a backstroke. This is a big improvement over well, just sinking to the bottom.

    Then BW had to run an errand and she figured they may as well make a girl’s day out of it and go for lunch at Dave’s Hot Chicken.

    The milkshake machine was broken, but that was OK because I had a Sprite!

    She then came home and opened one of her many many birthday gifts and created it. Some sort of sand castle thing. It looked messy so I am glad I missed it.

    And of course, there’s been some time on the tablet so she’s had a really good day and there’s no reason for tears at all.

    I guess some days you just feel like crying.

    I know I do.

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