Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. What Are We Going to Do Today?

    “kBYEILOVEYOU”, - and just like that BW left the child and I alone together along with the dog and the ultimate question:

    NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

    I looked at the child, then the dog. Neither were giving me an answer on how to fill our day so I just tried to avoid them both and drink coffee. I figured if I ignored them long enough - they would figure things out on their own.

    They did not figure it out.

    It wasn’t even 9 am and I was getting questions about what to do as if I was Julie on the Love Boat.

    Like I have any idea. It’s a Tuesday in September. The child should be in school and the dog just needs to be somewhere else than trying to climb in my lap.

    But, here we are. Together with the entire day spread out ahead of us like the peanut butter on the half eaten sandwich I picked up off the counter earlier. We looked outside. Hot, humid - but not raining despite the forecast.

    I guess we could go outside and then take it from there. She got dressed, and plopped the helmet on her pretty head and grabbed her stroller and we were off to wander the new subdivision they were building and check the status of the new playground equipment they are installing on the corner, thanks to the new development.

    My watch finally woke up about half a mile in and asked me if I was walking? OF COURSE I am walking. I’ve been walking for half a mile and only now do you realize that this is not my normal activity? It has a GPS. I am a half mile from the couch..

    It was hot. and humid. Which is perfect if you’re in a pool on vacation, but not so good if you’re on the world’s slowest walk because you have to watch for cars, stop and ask questions about the little “call before you dig” flags they put in the ground: “But why to they have to put little flags in the ground”, I got asked more than once.

    We made it a full lap around the big block in Pleasantville and then we were going to do another lap when she decided that maybe she was getting a little worn out and we should take a break. I gave her a drink of water and we limped back to the house to refresh and turn the air conditioning on.

    She took a break, and then we tidied up together. She mad her bed - actually she attempted to make her bed but considering the comforter weighs more than she does I’m okay with this and I’m calling it a win.

    Before we knew it - lunchtime! I suggested she take an old towel and go outside and have a picnic. I packed her a wrap and a pepper and told her if she ate the wrap we could talk about ice cream later.

    I joined her on the lawn and we talked to our neighbors, waved at others and then she started to play with the tree. I told her that our tree isn’t really the swinging tree. Then she looked at me and said” I have an idea” and disappeared inside.

    A competent parent might have at least asked what she was going to do, but I didn’t smell smoke so I lay back in the chair and waited until she came back with a Pinata she made - from a cereal box no less.

    She has a multiple hundred dollar video game console. We played with a cereal box that was relieved of it’s contents and filled with stale old candy, and it was the best thing ever.

    Then, the ice cream cone. A deal is a deal. Also, don’t tell mommy.

    We sat and she hummed and ate her cone and I lay back in the sunshine and listened to the hum of a warm and humid summer day.

    With ice cream comes stickyness and so then we got the hose. I was just going to let her run around in the shorts and t-shirt she had on and just put her in dry stuff later but she wanted to get into a bathing suit proper so here we are.

    You guys, the garden hose bought about two hours of entertainment! The GARDEN HOSE.

    At first she wanted to wash the car, so I filled up a container with some dish soap and let her to it:

    When the car washing was over, she realized that she could hang the hose in a tree so she wanted to “shower” with the hose and she needed soap. Dish soap and gentle skin probably isn’t the best so I found some hand soap and filled another container for her with that. I have no idea if it made a lick of difference, but I tried.

    As we were playing, we watched a big transport truck pull up to the park next door and over the next hour they unloaded the biggest pile of wood chips we have ever seen and then the city workers got busy and loaded and spread those wood chips all over and under the new playground equipment at the park on the corner.

    Once we were satisfactory wet, she went inside and changed into dry clothes and took a break on her tablet for a bit. BW came home shortly after and so we went to investigate the new park equipment.

    She was the very first kid in the neighborhood to go on the new equipment. There was not another kid in sight so when BW came home we all went over to the check out the new gear and too see how it all worked. It works well, and there’s a little built in table so the adults can sit down, which is appreciated.

    But the word got out and she was joined by other kiddos in the neighborhood to test the playground where they played for a good bit.

    I wore her out today - and that was the idea - and we didn’t have to go further than our front lawn armed with an old cereal box and a garden hose.

    I’m calling today a win and a great way for her to end her summer vacation.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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  2. Fat (ish)

    I’ve started to feel gravity’s pull a little more than I would like.

    pink and white flower decor

    Photo by Lore Schodts on Unsplash

    The child has noticed.

    Today, while waiting for the plumber to install the hot water heater the child had decided that I need to get busy and “get buff”.

    Buff. Where the heck did “buff” come from?

    I have never been buff. I would not know buff if I got run over with buff. But she has decided that I be buff.

    “You can’t drink any more Diet Coke Dad, and no more fats!”, she exclaimed as drug me downstairs to do… exercises.

    She was my little personal fitness trainer and I was her student.

    We talked about going on Mommy’s Peleton and we decided that would be a bad idea because we both don’t know how it works. So, we stuck with the weights:

    First, I lifted the 2lb dumbells, and then the 5lb and then my little strong fitness intstructor showed ME how to lift a 15 lb weight. Think about it - that’s about a third of her weight.

    If I had to lift a third of my weight, I would be under the thing and would not be able to lift it, I am sure and probably be calling 911.

    After the weights, my little fitness crazed offspring made me do push-ups.

    PUSH-UPS!. You guys, here’s my day: Wake - kid breakfast - school for her/uber driving for me. - come home, eat, clean and play a bit on the computer at night writing about being told I am too fat and I need to exercise. Dad doesn’t have any time for exercise. No, scratch that - Dad doesn’t want to make time for exercise.

    Dad likes donuts. Also, Pie.

    One would think that after the push-ups my little instructor would have given me a break, but nope - then she brought out the hula hoop. Let’s just say that there’s no hula-hoop olympics in my future and leave it at that.

    After the hula-hooping, Dad needed a coffee break so I fired my personal trainer and she went back to her tablet and Dad went back to cleaning.

    Later tonight we got on the topic of what we did today and how Mommy is NOT fat and that I should do what she is doing because she looks great! (she does). The child should have stopped there but out of the mouths of babes:

    “Dad, you’re not REALLY fat. You’re just fat-ish” she told me.

    Fat-ish. Humph.

    I prefer calling my waistline my “ab protector”. It has a better ring to it than “fat-ish”

    At least I’m still standing. :)

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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  3. Card Bored Day

    We slept in, BW and I.

    One of the many projects containing cardboard today. …

    When we awoke, the child had made herself a mini-wheats on white bread sandwich and was glued to her videos. That’s the best part of parenting - it gets better/different over time and you realize that they need you less and less over time. Until, that is - they think you’re an ATM , But, that’s to come.

    So, yeah. It was rainy. Add rain and indoors, and you get a bored child.

    This is the last day where we can do nothing at all. BW starts work tomorrow, and she starts school later this week. This was the day of rest here — for the adults at least. The child? I told her to deal. We’re not going/spending/playing/learning - any of the “ings”. The only “ing” you get to learn today is “boring”.

    So she did what any child would do. She played with the box.

    She made ramps, boats, pizza boxes and a roller coaster even - out of a cardboard box.

    But the highlight was the fashion show. I forget where I was, but I came back to find her like this:

    “Hey Dad, do you like my new outfit?”, she asks.

    “Oh lovely”, I replied.

    School starts Thursday, folks. THURSDAY.

    PS> our water heater broke down so it’s cold showers or getting stinky here and we’re not sure which is worse. Repair guy comes tomorrow, so stay tuned…..

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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  4. The Tiny Dancer

    When she was born, for reasons we’re not sure - we had Tiny Dancer by Elton John on repeat a lot. Fast forward a few years, and now we have our own tiny dancer:

    and I don’t know how it came up, but yesterday on the way to get ice cream - and eventually scraped knees - the topic came up about Elton John.

    Wait- Now, I remember: she was singing “I’m Still Standing”, by Elton in the back seat of the car. I have no idea how or why she picked up that tune but that’s the one that was in her head and then the topic came up about Elton.

    Then she asked me if I listened to Elton “back in the day” and I replied, yes. In fact — I told her — when I was your age Elton was pretty much at his peak and he’s still at it all these years later.

    WAIT!!? She exclaims - ELTON JOHN IS STILL ALIVE?

    Mind. Blown.

    Her pretty little head could not comprehend. She just assumed any music that Dad listens to must be from artists no longer with us 1

    Yup, his hairline has disappeared long ago, but last I checked Elton is still alive on this earth.

    You might even say he’s still standing. :)

    1

    Which, sadly - the older I get, is becoming the truth.

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  5. Skinned Knees in Summertime

    It’s hard to run and look backwards when your little body is growing and so you live and learn.

    ouchie

    Our day was pretty great today, even considering our little mishap.

    BW started YEAR 19 at her place of employ:

    So it was just the child and I with the entire day ahead of us. Our morning was pretty lazy, she watched the screen while I mowed the front lawn now that the roofers are gone and then before you know it - it was time for lunch.

    She made a picnic lunch and took her sandwich, vegetables and drink and sat outside happy as a lark with a towel to sit on in the front yard. After a bit I joined her and she ran up and down the sidewalk showing me how fast she could run. Once she hit the corner, she saw our poor neighbor and talked her ear off about god knows what.

    Then, errands. Dad needed to get the car washed so we drove through (“oooh colors”. ) and then she wiped and I vacuumed.

    Then, the reward:

    Super Hero ice cream. If you ever wonder why we have a trouble with thin in this country the portions might be the reason - this example she is eating is the baby sized. My small was TWICE that and I still have doubts whether this was a good idea. I have no idea who is ordering double or triple scoops or how they are surviving afterwards.

    She almost ate the entire thing too. I thought no way, but she got real close to the finish line and then begged for mercy near the end. I thought we would just go home and chill after the ice cream run but she had other idea.

    She wanted to go on a walk at a park to explore, and I told her I knew just the place:

    we went to Lasalle Park in Niagara Falls. We looked over the edge and we discussed how this water would make it’s way to the real Niagara Falls eventually. Then she got bored and wanted to explore.

    She was off on the path skipping and running happily and then she turned around to see if I was behind her while still moving forward and here’s the lesson of the day:

    You have to look where you are going.

    Of course, all accidents like this happen in slow motion and you can see those skinny little legs getting all mixed up on the way down. She lands, looks confused for a minute and then the screaming began.

    “ I want Mommy!”, she howled as I got her to the car. I may be the parent for some things when it comes but when it comes to being sick or in pain, mommy is the one.

    It was a horrible drive home for both of us. All I had was a tissue for her knee, so I drove as fast as possible while she is screaming at full volume about the pain and she wants mommy or the dog or anybody but me and being in the stupid car. This is the 2nd time this week I have had her in my car screaming.

    I get her home, knees and elbows washed and then we start applying the bandaids. Let’s just say we need to buy more bandaids in.

    I got her comfortable on the couch and she watched shows on her tablet. Then I was puttering around putting away bandaids and tidying up and I heard a voice - I thought it was coming from her tablet, but there was a little person in the front hall, and it was her long lost BFF Carson. She saw him and hesitated whether she wanted to play with Carson or milk the skinned knee thing with Dad and she picked…

    Carson. She wanted to use her scooter and as she scooted down the driveway I asked if she was up to it.

    “It’s not like my leg is broken Dad. Geez”

    They grow up so fast…

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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