Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. The Sounds of Silence

    You guys. Nobody told me that at age six there we be so.much.talking.

    The child did not stop all day. She was home today due to lunar new year and well..holy.

    Not that she was misbehaved. She was just on. All day. ON

    Of course the usual singing and talking to herself and her ponies and how you need to be respectful and kind and honest, etc. These are all good lessons so yay for the ponies but well…how about it’s time for the ponies to have a nap?

    Is there a mute button?

    She made a unicorn terrarium that she got for her birthday as a gift and the ladies also cracked open the 8 gajillion piece jewelry making kid and there was bracelet and necklace making as well.

    Later I was tasked with opening yet another pack of my little ponies because we don’t have enough as it is and we need moar ponies.

    I was busy trying again to change another outlet because now I’m an expert . While I had my attentions elsewhere she snuck up to the room and closed her door. I thought/hoped that she might take herself to bed for a little snooze. I was wrong. She snuck her tablet into her room and closed the door so the parents didn’t notice. 13 begins at six apparently.

    Lastly, I want to share a Dad Joke, but this time’s the joke’s on Dad.

    “Hey Dad. What’s your name?”

    “Jim”

    “What is this?” (she points to her nose)

    “Nose”

    “What is the opposite of something?”

    “Nothing”

    “Dad. Nose. Nothing”

    Hardy. Har. Har.

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  2. 100 Days of Winter

    100 days

    That’s how many days she will have attended school soon. I don’t know the actual 100th day but it’s coming soon.

    She came home with a project where she had to bring a 100 things in a bag to school. That’s boring. We upped the game and decided we would glue 100 things to some poster board.

    100 pennies? We don’t have the budget for that.

    100 bananas? That’s been done.

    We decided on the 100 crayons for a few reasons. First, is that we will not even notice 100 crayons missing from the house. I don’t know where they come from: I keep tossing them when nobody is looking and I’m pretty sure they are the dog’s primary food group. And even after that we still hundreds left:

    But the art project is done. We waited for the glue to dry and then gave every crayon the wiggle test and then glued more if we needed to. We hope that it will make it to school with all 100 attached.

    5:45 AM

    This the time the child got up. I was getting ready to go and uber for a few hours in the early hours when I heard the footsteps. She was awake and wanted to watch her tablet. Ya. No. Go to bed.

    She didn’t go to bed. She fought me all the way but she eventually did go but it took me too long and she struggled and kicked again. The kicking is horrible.

    30 minutes later, just as I am leaving she comes down again. Nope – still no tablet.
    I finally caved at 6:45 am and let her watch so I could go work. Only to find out the car did not charge overnight. It’s the first time it’s done this so I would assume it’s on me and not the car as it’s charged since. Of course, she didn’t notice I had gone and come back because she’s on the tablet.

    3 Hours

    That’s how long it took the tire place to install new tires on my car. This place used to be good but got bought out by discount tire so they now suck. The good news is I got them half price due to the tire warranty. There’s no way I get the warrantied mileage out of these due to the heavy and torquey car I drive. My new tires have even a longer warranty but I have low expectations for these too.

    Of course the upsell for the “needed alignment” for $150.00 happened. Guess what a new tire costs? $150.00. I drive over hundreds of potholes daily and the alignment would not stay aligned by the time I got to the first stop light in the city I drive in. I’ll just keep rotating them and over time they will all be worn out again and save the $150 for the new set down the road.

    The constant upsell gets tiring after a while.

    6:00 PM

    That’s the time she put herself to bed. She was pissed off at me as I told her we were not going to play before bed as we usually do. There’s consequences and if you give me a hard time at 5:45am about wanting to watch your tablet, I am going to reciprocate when you want something later in the day.

    I keep telling her the more she says “yes, Dad” the more fun she will have but she doesn’t seem to get it lately. It’s a struggle.

    Of course, when you’re up from before six am you’re begging for bed 12 hours later so she went to her room and got her PJ’s on and brushed her teeth and then asked mommy to read a book. She never asks mommy for the evening routine, but seeing as she wasn’t getting her way she was going to ignore me and you should have seen the look she gave me. If looks could kill…

    Here’s hoping I am back in her good graces in the morning.

    Just not at 5:45am please.

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  3. Today I Played With Pink Glitter Slime

    Quiz Time:

    Who here played with pink glitter slime today?

    You. You in the back? No? Okay. Let me tell you all about it.

    Let’s make slime!

    It was promised it would happen today. Somebody – I am not sure whom, thought it would be a good idea to introduce the child to make your own glitter slime.

    Pretty harmless, yes?

    For the most part it is. IF, and this is a big IF the pink slime does not travel anywhere in the house other than the kitchen table.

    Let me tell you what happens with pink glitter slime when it attaches to:

    1. wood
    2. bedsheets
    3. flooring

    This stuff does not come off of the above surfaces cleanly at all. It sticks to it like me holding onto the last donut in the box – That ~~shit~~ stuff ain’t moving.

    So imagine my joy when it was announced that more slime was being created.

    One thing I will say with her getting older is she now at least understands why I don’t want to have travelling slime and the slime must stay at the table and I have to tell you it’s nice. Whether or not she listens to me or not is a complete other story.

    Back to the slime – today we made the following with the slime:

    1. boogers (of course)
    2. eyebrows
    3. lips
    4. snakes
    5. pancakes
    6. balls

    and….that’s about it.

    And then just like that, the 20 minutes were up and she was off skipping to do the next activity. It was something about My Little Ponies – I forget.

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  4. Never Agree to Anything

    I had forgotten about this project.

    A few weeks back BW had one of those ideas where she wants to decorate and then I get busy. I cam into the house and I get “Hey Jimmy – what do you think about this idea?”

    The idea is she wants to buy peel and stick foam tiles and stick ’em up in the kitchen. In a moment of weakness, I agree to this idea and then the day continues and I forget all about this.

    Until yesterday when the stupid tiles arrived and there they were at the front hall with BW saying to me “Guess what you’re doing tomorrow?”

    This should be easy, I said. How little did I know.

    Installing backsplash tiles is what I am doing and how I spent my entire day today doing just that. This project – like all projects – took twice – if not 3 times as long as I had thought.

    I thought I would be done by lunch. I was done by bedtime.

    Things I have learned:

    1. Math is hard. It’s tricky with all the measuring and straight lines and angles and stuff.
    2. Start with the big chunks and then fill in the rest. Don’t do like I did and work left to right and then realize the one wall is slanting and it’s a good inch out from left to right and then you have to pull them all down and start over
    3. Buy extra. You will need it. (See no.2 above)

    I’m tired and I hurt. This was a much bigger job than I expected. This job looked fairly easy but it really took a long time for me to get right. I’ve been getting handier over the years but this being a first time for me it was tricky work.

    Guys, if your wife sees this post and wants to do the same – hire this job out. You will thank me.

    But. And this is a big But:

    This is all worth it as it spruces up our kitchen and most importantly BW is happy.

    And as we all know – a happy wife is a happy life.

    Oh. I may have accidently agreed to repainting the kitchen cabinets later this spring.

    Lord give me the strength…

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  5. On Being a Dad

    Six Years ago I wasn’t a Dad. And then just like that – she was here.

    And life has not been the same since.

    There should be some training for this Dad thing. And I was luckyin a way as I had a bit of coaching from the nurses while the child chilled in the NICU for 51 days so I got a bit of a head start but even then they show you how the diaper thing works and you are on your own.

    And since I brought her home six years ago, I have learned a few things I would like to share:

    1. Distraction is your friend. Telling them to put their socks on will get you nowhere. But asking them about unicorns or dinosaurs or whatever and get them distracted you can get the socks on with ease.
    2. Bedtime. OMG, the bedtime. I would be a millionaire if I had a fool-proof solution that worked but I found that sometimes you have to leave the room with them screaming and the fun has to stop. Also, what works today might not work tomorrow so it’s a moving target.
    3. It will be hell peeling them away from the tablet. The tablet is also the best thing ever. It’s a constant struggle between right and wrong.
    4. Pee before you go. Always.
    5. Speaking of going: Plan to leave early because the peeing and going and getting out the door takes significantly longer than you could ever imagine
    6. Daycare is expensive. Really Expensive.
    7. Have them eat the same thing you eat. Life is not a restaurant. Besides, chicken nuggets suck – we eat better than that.
    8. The day the car seat goes away is a good day. Same goes for diapers.
    9. They help you see things that you haven’t thought about in a while. When was the last time you were excited about the first snow? Have a kid and they will remind you that snow is the best. thing. ever. – Also, Santa is kind of fun too. And don’t get me started on leprechauns.
    10. Enjoy it. Because holy, does it go by fast. Yes it’s hard with the tantrums and the bedtimes and having to tell them to turn around in the booth at the restaurants – but in the end it’s all worth it.

    Tomorrow we celebrate birthday number six. SIX! I can’t believe it.

    This is the year the training wheels come off for both of us. We’ve got this.

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