Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. Whatever You Do - Do NOT Buy the Kinetic Sand

    Unless you really like to vacuum, or hate your sofa. - your call.

    Parents: consider this your PSA of the day. Learn from my mistakes.

    Photo by jim gade on Unsplash

    A few months back the child and I were shopping for something for Mommy, so it must have been a Christmas present. Of course, if we go shopping together then it must be a given that the child get something too.

    Yes, I know. I can’t say no to that pretty little face.

    Anyway, the child walked out with a three pack of kinetic sand, slime and some weird feeling modeling putty. At first we thought that wasn’t that bad of a purchase and it kept her busy over a long winter weekend indoors.

    Fast forward to tonight and the sand is still around. Kind of.

    You see, by this time I am pretty sure my little scientist has combined the three different things into just one sandy/slimy mess, and I blame myself. I’m usually better a tossing this kind of stuff when nobody’s looking because we’re still at the age where she rarely asks where something went still, and that’s good for me but bad for those little toys you get from McDonald’s.

    This slimy and sandy concoction was ignored for some time until tonight. After dinner, BW was downstairs knitting and the child was playing happily. As I am apt to do I laid down on the couch to rest my eyes.

    Then I hear BW tell the child to not rub the concoction onto the couch. Sigh.

    I get up, and there’s sand on the couch.

    Let me tell you about our couch. It’s bright red and has a texture to it - kind of like burlap, but not itchy because having an itchy couch is another story for another day.

    This texture absorbs sand like me on my birthday with a cake in front of me. It goes fast and it hits hard. I get the vacuum and start the cleanup.

    I think I got most of it but it’s hard to tell becuase somehow in just 20 minutes the sand got everywhere. The kitchen table, the living room floor. This stuff was IN toys which I ended up washing because they’re part of her kitchen set and I’m not that bad that I throw out the good stuff. Just the crap gets tossed.

    Needless to say, we have a new rule at our house: NO KINETIC SAND

    Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    Keep vacuuming,

    TH and Co.

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  2. The Scissor Kick

    The first rule of scissors is not to play with scissors.

    We almost had an entire day of no tears or upset. Until juuuuuust before bedtime.

    Photo by Gabriel Mihalcea on Unsplash

    I did not see this happen, but I heard it - the screaming and the admonishing from BW.

    Tonight’s lesson - don’t play with scissors. Nobody was hurt and no hospital visits were required, but today the child broke something with the improper use of scissors.

    On the kitchen counter and ready to go downstairs was the happy birthday banner from my party yesterday. We figured we paid over a dollar for it, and there will be more birthdays (I hope) so it might as well go to the basement and get put away for next year.

    It didn’t make it to the basement.

    This is because - I’m getting this second hand - the child was at the counter and for some reason there were scissors on the counter for reasons I do not know. Next to the scissors was my birthday banner.

    If you add a 7 year old that’s bored and does not want to go to bed and some scissors and a banner you get a banner that is now cut into pieces by the 7 year old.

    This makes mommies mad.

    Do not try this at home, kids.

    BW did not like that she did this and told the child so. The child burst into tears, turned bright red and screamed “Daddy!” as if I was the one that was going to save her from this.

    Sorry, Kid. You’re on your own here. Mommy is the boss and if she says don’t do that then who am I to argue? I know better and you should too.

    We told her she’s not in trouble, but she should not just pick up scissors and start cutting things at her whim. Today that banner was only $1.25 but this time next year it could be 700 dollar banner the way inflation is rising - so for right now - we are saving the banner.

    Also - Don’t. Cut. Shit. Up.

    This should be an easy lesson to learn. If it’s not yours - leave it alone - and don’t come running to Dad to bail you out.

    You’re on your own for this one because - and you should know this by now:

    Mommy is the boss - we just get to live here.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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  3. This is 60

    It’s like being 50 but now includes more Advil.

    One minute you’re a dopey 18 year old with not an idea in your head of what the future will hold and then you look at a calendar and realize nothing has changed really.

    Except for the hair loss. Nobody warned me about the hair loss.

    Today I turned 60 years old. I plan on asking for the seniors discount as a habit now

    You would think it was her birthday she was so excited. She would not go to bed, she would not sleep all night and then she was in my bed at 5:30 am ready to party.

    “Hey Dad - Happy Birthday” she told me as she crawled into bed with me all excited and ready to start the day. She wriggled and giggled in bed for a good hour and then she couldn’t help herself any more and went downstairs and made me a surprise….

    She found the birthday decorations and decorated the floor and taped them to the floor in a path to my gifts - like breadcrumbs.

    It’s like a pot of gold at the end. You would think I was a very old Leprechaun.:)

    The gifts? A homemade gift from her that included a homemade birthday card and a box with a bracelet and a small stuffed animal taped inside 1 What more could a Dad want?

    Pillows, apparently. BW bought me a cervical pillow that I had been eyeing and I guess she figured they had a sale so she has one too. We will report back if they work well or not.

    Lastly, the cake. My mother-in-law made me a 20 serving birthday ice cream cake that includes about 4000 calories in each slice. We have 16 slices left, so I guess the diet doesn’t start until well after Easter this year.

    Of course, I needed some help blowing out the candles:

    Six candles was more than enough

    If this is how your sixties are going to be, I could get used to this: A beautiful family, more ice cream cake than I need and a good night’s sleep is my recipe for success for the decade to come.

    I had a great day. Thanks to all of you for the wishes and gifts.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. again, with the tape. ↩

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  4. The Cookie Monster

    A story about getting more than one bargained for.

    Tonight was pizza night because it’s Friday and that’s what we do around here.

    After pizza of course, there must be dessert. I don’t know how or why this dessert thing started but it’s a thing here. Most nights we find something in the pantry or she digs around the freezer and somehow comes out with a petrified popsicle from last summer.

    Tonight though - thanks to my mother-in-law - we have home made chocolate chip cookies in the house. I asked for her to make them for me and they are a little too good and too available when I walk by them - because I have no will power and a growing waistline to match.

    I have a cookie-eating friend though and dessert this past week has been all cookies all the time. But we don’t just grab a few cookies from the jar and eat them because here..Chocolate Cookies are an event!

    She had me pull up her little table and chair and she setup a little cookie shop where we all had to lineup and get our one cookie doled out to us on a napkin. After we ate our cookie, the adults starting talking and it wasn’t until about 10 minutes or so later I realized the cookie store looked like it was still open after hours and the counter girl was stuffing her face with cookie number three because they are chocolate cookies and the opportunity was there.

    After I removed the tray with less cookies left, I snapped this photo of our little thief caught ~~red~~ chocolate handed and told her that last cookie in her hand was the last cookie of the night.

    She took this news well because she knew she had been busted and it’s better to keep quiet when you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

    Diet starts tomorrow,

    TH and Co.

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  5. Reading While Eating

    A story about a tricky and somewhat sticky parenting choice.

    Today she wanted to read at breakfast.

    Photo by Susan Q Yin on Unsplash

    And as a parent, I am torn here.

    Option 1: NO way - we only eat at the table. NO FOOD MUST BE NEAR BOOKS. Librarians everywhere are shocked that this is even an option.

    Option 2: Screw it - if she wants to read at breakfast and she spills cheerios over the school library book then I will send a note to the school and wait for the bill in the mail.

    Both options are not really optimal, but I’ll tell you what I did:

    I let her read at the table at breakfast. This should come as no surprise because the child has me wrapped around her finger and what the princess wants, the princess gets. But wait - before all you option one folks get out the pitchforks let me explain:

    Between pages we had “bite breaks”: read a page - take a bite. Rinse and repeat, and this served us well - we got the book read in time, dressed in time and most importantly - on the bus on time.

    I’m thinking this is a good compromise and when she’s older she won’t have flashbacks about being yelled at about reading at the table. I love reading and eating. It was books when I was younger and then newspapers and magazines and now it’s just the phone, and by writing this out I realized that this is another thing that got shittier with the current online state. I miss magazines - for the articles, of course.

    Anyway… I let her read a book this morning while chomping on Cheerios.

    All you bento-box preparing parents with the children with the clean clothes and matching socks are probably terrified reading this but around here - - that’s how we roll.

    Fun Fact! This is the book we read. Cheerios not included. Some cleanup required afterwards.

    Keeping on chewing and learning,

    TH and Co.

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