Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. I am a Very Good Driver

    This is a story about being stuck.

    green car parked beside white wall

    Photo by Tanja Cotoaga on Unsplash

    And after this morning’s episode BW might be wondering how the heck she got stuck with the doofus sitting in the driver’s seat next to her - but that’s a story for another day.

    You see, BW has been sick. And due to this current status she had a doctor’s appointment this morning that we could not miss.

    Could. Not. Miss.

    Before I go on, I must explain that we’ve had some snow here with a layer of freezing rain - this is not an excuse but more of an explanation of how things are. We have a snowplow guy that comes and digs out our driveway but I think because it only snowed a bit here and there he didn’t come. My guess is he was sick, because he’s been really good at getting us plowed out all these years.

    So. I get BW in the car and I comment as we are pulling out of the driveway that there’s a fair bit of snow on the driveway and I hope I don’t get my little blue car stuck in the snow

    I got my little blue car stuck in the snow.

    I spin my wheels back and forth, etc only to find out my skills that are to keep the car in the driveway were apparently absent this morning. I misjudged how driveways work and now we’re stuck in the snow at the end of it and there’s no time because now we have 24 minutes to get across town to the doctor’s office for her appointment.

    Okay, then. We’ll just take the other car. I will leave my car stranded in the driveway and deal with it later.

    We hop into her car and we’re pretty sure we can make it between what is now my stuck car and the mailbox at the end of the drive. On a nice spring day, this would be no problem. It might be tight, but I think we can make it….here goes…..

    WE DIDN’T MAKE IT

    Now I have her car stuck right beside my car. If this were are parking challenge I would have won a gold medal because I had those two cars lined up side by side and would have won for sure.

    But, the goal was to get out of the driveway but instead, now I’ve got both our cars stuck.

    BW looks over me and says “You’re gonna have to shovel”.

    I get out, grab the shovel - and I shovel and shovel like I’ve never shoveled before. We cannot miss this doctor’s appointment. I’m at “save my marriage” shoveling speed here.

    This is serious.

    I get back in the car and try again and her car slides towards my car. This is really not good at this point as now there’s six inches between the two cars and both are on a slippery slope. literally.

    I get out, shovel a bit more and look over at BW and say “Here Goes”. I put it in reverse and the car is moving and tracking straight back so I pull a hail mary and keep on reversing and reversing and spinning wheels until thankfully, thankfully we make it out onto the street with out having our very own demolition derby at the end of the driveway.

    I hop out, toss the shovel in the garage and we’re out the door and we made the appointment just in time.

    When we get back home I am greeted with my little blue car that’s stuck pretty good. I get BW on the couch and fed and then I go attempt to dig it out. It’s low to the ground and the weight has shifted from front to rear. After some digging and attempts to go forward without luck I find that the car will move if in reverse, but I can’t stop because there’s that dip at the end of the driveway where I got stuck last time.

    One more hail mary and with a bit of luck and momentum I manage to get my little blue car on terra firma and the stuckopolypse of 2026 at our house is over. a

    I’m pretty sure when BW sat in the second car i got stuck in a snowbank that she was thinking that I was the dip at the end of the driveway and was wondering how she got “stuck” with me?

    I can’t answer that but I can share a funny story and laugh at myself and put it on the internet - so that’s gotta count for something. Right BW?

    BW?

    Lastly, our snowplow guy came over later this afternoon and dug out the driveway so I should have no problems from now on with getting out of the driveway.

    At least that’s what I’m going to tell BW.

    I am a very good driver after all.:)

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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  2. Happy LOOTH Day

    Today was a good day for the child.

    a heart shaped object with a red background

    Photo by Philip Myrtorp on Unsplash

    Because today was the day her new Minecraft game arrived. She woke up talking about it, she had breakfast talking about it and we almost missed the bus because she was still talking about it.

    I don’t have to tell you that the moment she got home from school she saw the game and ignored me until dinner.

    I think she played the entire game with the accessibility settings on, but when I tried to turn them off for her she shushed me away, so whatever.

    I’m kind of liking this minecraft game so far. It’s quiet. Every once in a while it chirps or beeps but I can sit in the same room and not wish for silence - so that’s nice.

    This was a special occasion because usually the rule in the house is no devices on school days but seeing how she’s been patiently waiting, I let it slide. She knew she had limited time and it worked out great because after a while she got bored of it and I had dinner ready.

    There was no screaming or crying or anything. She put the game down and came to the table happily.

    The first hundred days

    I don’t remember this being a thing at all when I was in school, but now they make a big deal of the 100 days of the school year. Maybe because it’s freaking February in Buffalo and they have to do something to break the monotony.

    She told me she was at day 94 and they only have six more days to go. I told her that means the 100th day would be sometime after next week because next week she has no school again (lord help me).

    She looked at me and said it would be celebrated later this week. I explained to her that if there’s six days left and only 4 more days of school this week, you’re not celebrating it this week.

    You could see the wheels turning and the she said “Well, anyway” and told me a story that’s relevant to the title above.

    She told me when she got to school this morning she thought the signs in the hallway read happy looth day but then she realized it wasn’t looth day - it was 100th day.

    IF you’re seven those 1’s and 0’s can be mixed up for letters and you get LOOTH DAY.

    Happy Looth Day!!

    I think we could make this a new holiday. Think about it: we should make it a national holiday where every hundred days of work/school we get a day off and we call it looth day.

    Anybody with me?

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    PS> I looked it up and she’s scheduled for 180 school days for the year. 86 more days of first grade to go!

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  3. 1000 Unicorns In My Head

    Seven - so far - has been interesting.

    pink and white unicorn plush toys

    Photo by June Gathercole on Unsplash

    It’s starting to be a mismatch of growing up on one side and then you flip the coin and she’s still a child.

    The Unicorn Side

    The Child tells me at bedtime tonight, and out of nowhere:

    “ I have 1000 Unicorns in my head”

    That’s pretty much age appropriate, one would think. I’m not a child psychologist and to be honest most days I’m the one that needs help here but that statement seems about right.

    I told her that she should start counting them backwards to go to sleep and I introduced her to the “99 bottles” song, and then told her good night. While I was still laying in bed with her she started to sing and count and sing. She got to about 995 unicorns and then says “sometime laterrrrrr…..” in her best SpongeBob Squarepants voice and started counting again at about 8 to go.

    I have been outwitted by a 7-year-old.

    The Singing Side

    From unicorns we go to singing along to pop music at full volume. I’m not ready for this stage yet - I want a few more years of unicorn brain before she’s dressed up in whatever fashion is the thing at school and listens to all the music the other girls are listening to. 1

    We’re getting there already and I blame the creators of K-Pop Demon Hunters.

    Now my living room looks like a dance hall with at tablet propped up on the footstool while she dances without any shame in her unicorn PJ’s on a bright Sunday morning and sings along at full volume to the K-Pop Demon Hunters theme song. With a K-Pop Demon Hunter poster in the background, of course.

    This made me realize that as of today I have become that dad: the “Turn it down” Dad. I’ve spent decades with my music in the background and it’s bad enough I’m forced to listen to BW’s musical tastes from time to time but now I’ve been outnumbered and my smart speaker has been taken over by the K-Pop Demon Hunters and Taylor Swift.

    And I fear it’s only going to get worse. Of course, the music that I grew up with is the preferred background to the day to day here but that’s about to change and I figure I’ve got months at most until I can sing along with her word for word.

    BW better get some earplugs because real soon we’re going to have the volume up to 11.

    Sing with me! “Golden……….”

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. Taylor swift, I’m looking at you. ↩

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  4. The Perfect Gift for the Mom Who Has Everything

    We had mission.

    Get mommy a valentine’s day gift.

    a group of red and gold objects

    Photo by Scarlett Alt on Unsplash

    Despite it being the coldest day of the year we bundled up and warmed up the car and went to…McDonald’s

    Don’t judge me. It’s fast, cheap and she loves loves loves it. Also, it comes with a toy and gets her out of the house 1 and it’s McDonald’s. You know what your’re getting and dear old Dad solved the lunch problem.

    Besides, we can’t shop on an empty stomach. That’s the first thing you’re told. That, and you have to wait half an hour before you swim.

    Anyway, off we went to our favorite strip mall that includes a Dollar Tree, T.J.Maxx, Michaels and Target all side by side.

    It’s a suburban Dad’s dream. Or at least it’s easy to park.

    When we got out of the car we had a mission but it seems they have differed upon arrive.

    Me: Get mommy a Valentine’s Day gift that was picked out by the child.

    The Child: Here’s some socks - they will do. Now let’s go to the toy section and get me a toy because I see slime on sale!

    We negotiated about this, the child and I:

    “Oooooh, slime”, she says

    “No”, I say “You’ve had a treat every day this past month and we just came from McDonald’s so the answer is no”

    “Pleeeeassseee”, she whines.

    “Sigh, OKAY FINE. We will get the slime if you no longer whine”, I replied, defeated and downright depressed about my lack of will power.

    Once the slime was in the cart, according to the child our browsing was now over because we were getting slime! Lots and lots of slime.

    “I want to go home”, she told me.

    It was cold and we had shopped so I was quick to agree because shopping for valentine’s day gifts with a child as the ultimate decider is no much fun.

    I hope BW likes slime for valentines day.

    It was either that or socks.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. on the coldest day of the year. this alone was a challenge ↩

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  5. Will You Be My Valentine?

    white red and black panda print textile

    Photo by Susan Holt Simpson on Unsplash

    Let me tell you about today’s Amazon delivery:

    We bought 24 valentines day cards for her to send to school to all her friends on Feb 14. Because everybody gets a prize these days and no child gets left behind, the teacher sent us a list of all the kiddos. She’s got enough to worry about other than if Carson got a card this year from the child.

    BW tells me I am in charge of this. Being who I am I bought the cheapest bunch I could find because …these will be landfill by the 15th.

    Of course, in 2026 you don’t just send cards . Oh no, it’s become freaking Christmas all over again because now all these card sets come with toys.

    TOYS, people.

    This year, all her friends are getting a valentines card and a little toy.

    Because I found the cheapest card set I could find, her friends are getting a little squishy toy and card. These are actually cute and small and easily disposed of later when nobody is looking.

    In exchange, she is coming home with 21 gifts on the 14th. These are 21 gifts we have no use for or do not need. We don’t need more squishy toys or stress popper things or rubber balls or tiny bubble wands. We don’t need any of it.

    Why? BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAVE ALL OF IT. This isn’t a holiday for gift giving when you’re seven - or at least shouldn’t be. You should get a cupcake at lunch or something and it would probably be more memorable than what whatever crap she totes home and I will eventually end up tossing.

    Valentine’s day is really just a money exchange: I’ll buy your kid some crap from Amazon if you buy my kid some crap too. All organized by the school board.

    But then I got to thinking…maybe this isn’t so bad after all and I’m just being a cranky old guy.1

    Tonight when she saw these she lit up like a sunny day and wanted to assemble them right away. Before watching YouTube Kids, or devices…she wanted to sort through all 24 squishy toys and decide who gets what. When you’re her age, choosing whom gets what card and toy is a science. Each toy was picked specifically for the child - as was the card.

    This was a custom job here with a personalized touch for each one. We could start a business.

    Unlike some other cards we will get this year - she wrote the names on the card. I was not going to do this for her. This is essentially school homework where you get to practice writing your name 24 times in a row.

    Turns out cranky old dad had a blast with her at the table this evening getting the valentines ready and watching her pick and chose just the right card for the right person. She corrected me on the pronunciation of all the names because she’s from Western New York she pronounces things a little different than her Canadian Dad does.

    She sung and wrote and had a great time learning to spell some of the more complicated names and was just thrilled to bits about the whole thing. This entire exercise was right up her alley.

    She Loved It.

    So maybe, just maybe this card giving thing is not so bad after all and the lesson to be learned was by me.

    She went to school today, but I learned the lesson.

    Until next time,

    TH and Co.

    1. I AM old and cranky, nothing new here. ↩

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