Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. Book Ends

    It had to happen sometime. It was too good to be true.

    Our streak of good behavior came to an end today.

    Photo by Wayee Tan on Unsplash

    It started even before I was out of bed so it was one of those days from the start.

    The problem? Late nights and early mornings catch up to you - especially if you six-years-old and fear that going to bed early you will be missing all the fun.

    She created some very creative setup with little plastic flowers and pens and overturned plastic tubs as desks and we were supposed to play school and why were we not awake and willing to do this right now?

    We had other plans for the day that included me making waffles and then going to work for a few hours and then we had to come home and make Halloween costumes for all three of us. 1

    She was excited to play school and make the costumes, but she did not want me to leave for the morning and would not settle down. Sometimes when this happens - it’s a bit of whining and we get over it but this morning we had the full on meltdown where as usual when it comes to get her to calming down, nothing works.

    So we wait, and she stomps and argues to herself and chants until her brain has processed that this isn’t working and then she settles down and comes downstairs looking for a hug all red and puffy.

    Once that happened we could continue on our with our day and I started to make waffles.

    I then went out for a few hours to find a couple bucks and the ladies stayed home and she was good for the rest of the day - she made her own crafts, watched YouTube and was overall pleasant for the rest of the day.

    Dinner was a bit of struggle, because she really just wants to skip dinner and head to straight to dessert. Of course, that’s not happening - so while she was eating I kept her amused telling her that because I am older than the parents of her peers she’s in for it because I will happily embarrass her at school and don’t give a **** what people think any more.

    So, eat your dinner. Or else.

    The rest of the evening was busy with dishes and cleanup and one last load of laundry but then when it came to go to bed she started to act up again. She wouldn’t listen to BW at all.

    I told her that if she even set one foot on the ground then the chart we have been making where if she earns 10 stickers I will take her to some place called FUN CITY that she’s dying to go to - will all go away. All of it.

    Let me repeat myself: NO FUN CITY if you get out of bed.

    No feet have been heard from down her in my man cave. It looks like if she behaves all week, I will be going to FUN CITY.

    Maybe I will go in costume.

    Keep Having Fun,

    TH and Co.

    I

    1. just wait until you see these. It’s been some time since I’ve dressed up, in any fashion. ↩

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  2. Some Assembly Required

    Want a messy house? Have a Kid. It’s really that simple. A family of racoons might work too.

    Every once in a while my photos app will prompt me to look at an old photo that was taken pre-child. Something like this one:

    photo taken when BW and I had energy to be silly like this.

    And of course, the first reaction is to see how beautiful BW was back in the day 1

    The second thing I think when this photo pops up in my feed is:

    OMG LOOK HOW CLEAN THE HOUSE IS!

    All the dishes put away, not a thing on the countertops - it’s like a dream.

    And then you wake up and go downstairs and you take status of the current situation of just one corner of our living room:

    yes, that’s styrofoam.

    So..yeah.

    Today the Amazon man brought a little end table for BW’s office for her to put her coffee cup on because fancy Apple Computers and cold coffee don’t mix well and it’s best to keep them seperated.

    Of course, the table required some assembly but it wasn’t the worst thing we ever put together. With some company from the dog and BW I managed to get it assembled in about half an hour which is not bad considering I am sitting on a footstool while balancing 3 pieces at the same time on my lap while trying to not drop the screw I have balanced on the end of the screwdriver.

    The child realized that there was something going on downstairs and pulled herself away from her tablet long enough to investigate. She saw the styrofoam bits and padding and made a bee-line right to it.

    “NOOOO!!!”, We both sung in unison because you all know too well what a pain in the ass little pieces of styrofoam are to clean up. “ Leave the styrofoam alone ”, we told her.

    Then BW and I went and took her little table upstairs to get her setup with it.

    The child - being my ever obedient offspring - could not help herself and just had to have it.

    She could not resist the styrofoam.

    I could not resist crying when I saw the mess downstairs. There was styrofoam in my ball cap, some small boxes and of some of it became art boards for her artwork, which is great - but it’s styrofoam.

    As you know: this shit gets everywhere and is impossible to sweep up.

    Have you ever tried to sweep styrofoam? You’re not really making headway - you just end up pushing it around the room. Then you think you will get the vacuum cleaner and our vacuum cleaner sucks on a good day (not in the way it was designed) and it chokes at the sight of any hard to handle dirt.

    I take apart the vacuum and clean out the dog hair and styrofoam flakes and try again. This second attempt works a little better but while I am cleaning up the tiny little foam bits that seem to stick to everything but the thing you want them to stick to, in the corner of my eye I see the child walking away with a big piece of styrofoam under her arm.

    “Where are you going with that?”, I ask

    “ I need this”, she tells me.

    “No you don’t. Listen to your Dad”, I tell her.

    Hoping to see a clean house one day again,

    TH and Co.

    1. Not that she isn’t now. I have to be careful here with my words here - one small misstep and I’m sleeping outside. ↩

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  3. How To Make Bowling Harder and More Complicated Than You Thought Imaginable

    No bowling lanes needed - just add a kid and very flexible rules.

    Today after school the child came home and wanted - of course - to watch her tablet and all her shows.

    She still had her backpack on her back when she came in the door so we suggested, you know - she talks to us first and let us know how her day was. Of course, she refused but then she saw on the kitchen table a new sticker book that BW picked up today for super cheap.

    The tablet got forgotten about and she went into what I call “the zone”. When she’s in the zone you do not want to distract her from the zone because this means she’s happily playing by herself with a cardboard box, or like today - stickers.

    We got a good hour or so out of that sticker book so that was worth the dollar, but it’s not that magical so eventually I was found by my offspring:

    “Hey Dad!”, I need some cardboard boxes, she tells me.

    I find some boxes I have laying around and fold them up and give them to her.

    I get rewarded with a good 20 minutes of the zone and she’s happily turning them into houses with windows.

    All good things come to an end and she finds me and wants to bowl in the family room?

    “Bowl?”, I ask her. “As in Bowling?”.

    She confirms I am not crazy and states that we can use her boxes as pins:

    Oh, Okay. That will work - I guess.

    I think this resulted in 5 points, but I am not sure as she was the scorekeeper

    “But what will we use for a ball?” I ask.

    She shows me a wood easter egg.

    “Egg shapes don’t really roll all that great”, I tell her

    “That’s OK”, she tells me

    So., we bowl.

    We sit on the bottom step to the family room and take turns trying to roll an oval shaped egg across the room to knock down our bowling castle.

    This took a while, as one can imagine.

    I don’t think I have ever laughed as hard as her trying again and again and again to knock down a cardboard box. She would roll the egg and it would stop with just enough force to not knock down anything. If you tried to do this you would not be able to if you tried.

    But she did, again and again and again.

    I’m no expert egg-roller either so I can’t laugh too hard as a lot of my turns to bat came up empty.

    milliseconds before that top left box fell for the five-point lead.

    In the end we were at a tiebreaker of 41-41 and technically I won, but she corrected me that the player with the lowest score wins and I have to tell you that her logic makes sense as the misses were more than the hits so it only makes sense that when playing bowling with cardboard castles and oval eggs as the ball - that the scoring would be upside down too.

    But that’s how we roll around here - you never know the path the day will take.

    Keeping the ball in our lane,

    TH and Co.

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  4. Smell My Feet

    No thanks, I’m good.

    the countdown has begun.

    I’m not sure what exactly this calendar is supposed to be read, but apparently it’s a countdown calendar to Halloween.

    Think of it as an undecipherable Halloween advent calendar. Maybe I should make copies and sell them on Esty.

    So yeah. We are on full countdown to Halloween here if you’re a six-years-old. If you’re closer to 60 years old then you just want Halloween to be at 4pm so you can go to bed after you eat all her chocolate.

    Tonight, BW pulled out some Halloween sprinkles for dessert topping that she bought about a year ago at the discount store. Unbelievably, they are still not at their past due date - and probably won’t be until later this decade..because they are pure sugar.

    The child lost her mind when she realized that we had pumpkin and cat and witch hat sprinkles. I had to take the wrapping off before I could hand them to her and I don’t think she has ever been so excited.

    I wonder what it is with kids and sprinkles? You can take some crappy pastry or dounut or even store bought cake and toss some sprinkles on it and it’s the most delicious thing. Too sweet for me, but then I’m not six.

    Earlier tonight I was greeted at the door with the I learned it on the bus song of the season:

    Trick or Treat,
    Smell my Feet…..

    and … you know the rest, so I won’t rattle off the entirety of it - You’re smart - I am sure you get the idea.

    I know it very well now and have have heard it more than once, except this year it comes with dance moves! (thanks a lot Taylor Swift) Some are to be expected - she pinches her nose for the “smell my feet” part of the rhyme.

    For the rest of the actions I will let you use your imagination - especially the part where Robin lays an egg. Let’s just say we won’t be singing this at the dinner table.

    So yeah, Bring it on Halloween - we’re ready - execpt for the singing. I don’t think I will ever be ready for the singing.

    Counting down to the big day,

    TH and Co.

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  5. Just Desserts

    Just for tonight.

    We have lots of lists and little bits of paper that just randomly show up on the kitchen counter, or table. I found one earlier today that read: I LOVE YOU MOM. No rhyme or reason but just an urge to write I guess.

    Today on the counter this appeared:

    I had an idea what it was, but wasn’t sure so I left it there for the time being, figuring I would pitch it when nobody is looking.

    After dinner tonight came the age old question: “what’s for dessert?”

    “I know!!”, she replied and ran to get the list you see above.

    “We dont’ have any kisses, but that’s okay” she told me as she excitedly ransacked the fridge to find the ingredients.

    I did the ice cream scooping, but the rest of this was her creation:

    I thought we did not have any cookies either, but as you can see I was proven wrong.

    Tonight’s lesson: ask the child if we have any snacks or cookies - she will know.

    I gotta tell you, that this looks pretty delicious, but this can’t be an everyday for obvious reasons.

    Tomorrow, dessert will be a much lighter fare - something along the line of celery sticks.

    Keeping our Dentist on speed dial,

    TH and Co.

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