Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. The Demon Child

    This is what happens when you hang out with the bigger kids

    We hadn’t really planned on or thought about this: The child has taken to hanging out with the bigger kids at camp.

    Photo by Nik on Unsplash

    And what happens? The big kids tell the little kids stories.

    Tonight I went to pick up the child and all the way to the car she was talking about “Devons”

    “Bruh, Chantele 1 says there’s Devons”., she told me.

    “Okay, First: I’m not your Bruh. Second: What?”

    “You know. devons! They take your soul!”

    “Aaahhh… DEMONS, I see. No, they do not take your soul”

    “But Chantele says…”

    You can pretty much guess how the rest of the night panned out. She played the “I’m scared” card at bedtime to the fullest. She was up and out of the bed at least six times and it was well after 9pm where I finally just held her in the bed until she fell asleep.

    I can’t blame Chantel, she’s a bit older and has a younger fan so it’s only age appropriate that she tell the child stories. I didn’t see this one coming though and I had to figure out what the heck we were talking about, and what happened to my baby that talked about unicorns and sunshine?

    Now we’re at Demons? Hoo Boy.

    Enough about Demons,

    Today was the field trip to Chuck E Cheese’s. I don’t think I have ever been to a Chuck E Cheese’s but I’m sure it’s like Vegas but for six-year-olds. She had her picture taken with Chuck or Mr. Cheese so that’s exciting.

    The most exciting thing they did was not the games or the bus ride - it was the food:

    “Hey Dad, I had 2 Pepsi’s today”

    Now it all makes sense: Pepsi is the Demon’s drink.2

    1. not her real name obviously. ↩

    2. Diet Coke is where it’s at. ↩

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  2. The Guiness Book of World Records

    We’re not breaking any records here.

    We have a new obsession when it comes to love of reading here.

    Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

    We seem to have moved on from the prank book and now we’re all about the Guiness book of world records.

    I have to ask you when was the last time you said to yourself: I wonder who was the tallest man? or the person with the longest fingernails? or the most swords swallowed?

    Not recently? Yeah, me too.

    Well. Let me tell you all about it.

    Tonight’s fascination was with the woman who had the most children at once.

    Also, the guy with the longest tongue is a hit. Apparently he paints with it.

    She laughed and laughed and could not believe the fact that this woman had 8 babies at once. The current record is 9, but we’re reading the book from 2015 and at that time it was 8 kids - which is still too many.

    She was reading the 2015 Guiness Book of World Records when I tucked her in for the night and that was the last I heard of her which gives me some time to actually write this here and tell you about the current trends for six-year-olds.

    Tonight was easy. Dinner and afterwards - because it’s mid-July here she just ran around the front yard under the sprinkler until it was time for bed.

    Tonight she told BW that she likes camp more than home. Can you blame her? They have fun and games and tomorrow is a field trip to Chuck E Cheeses.

    We can’t beat that. Camp wins.

    It’s a new record.

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  3. The Glue

    One day it won’t be as strong.

    It was after dinner and I went outside and sat in the lounge chair to relax because it was a nice evening. And to polish off one of the last ice cream sandwiches from our sale a few weeks back.

    Photo by Museum of New Zealand Te Papa Tongarewa on Unsplash

    And right on my heels was my child.

    You see, I am the chosen one. It’s not that she doesn’t go to mommy and when the two are alone they’re a great team. But if there’s a choice between the two of us - I am the man.

    “Hey Dad, can I sit on your lap?” she asked as she climbed up on me regardless and before I could answer.

    We sat there for a good 15 minutes while she slurped and licked away on her little lemon popsicle and we discussed important topics like why you don’t lick cold things with your tongue 1 and other pressing issues in a six-year-old’s brain on a Monday evening.

    She was sweaty, Sunkissed and in need of a good bath but right now she glued to my lap slurping and licking her lemon popsicle happily and I realized I had better capture this moment, because before I know it she’ll be too big for this and all the ice cream sandwiches will be gone.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. this was an actual topic of conversation ↩

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  4. The Library

    My favorite place to read.

    Photo by Point3D Commercial Imaging Ltd. on Unsplash

    I heard a new statement get expressed from BW this afternoon:

    NO READING BOOKS IN THE BATHROOM!

    Meanwhile, I am hearing this and wondering if she’s ever heard of Reader’s Digest?

    Back in the day I grew up with a magazine rack right next to the potty and if I visited friends houses they had different stuff to read next to their potty!I have done some best reading whilst on the throne.

    I have read women’s magazines, men’s magazines (for the articles) and so much other stuff from National Geographic that I would never have learned otherwise. And of course: Readers’ Digest

    And now I learn that this is not acceptable in our house? This is news to me.

    I give credit to my love of reading due in part to the fact there’s nothing else to do in there and the task at hand doesn’t require a big skillset other than um - aiming.

    I think it’s completely normal to read while you’re in there. It’s the equivalent of reading the cereal box at the kitchen table but now you’re at the other end of the cycle.

    In a way I kind of get it. This new rule isn’t necessarily aimed at me but at the child.

    Personally I think it’s great that she’s such a voracious reader that she has the foresight to realize that she’s going to be in there a while so she might was well bring a book to keep her entertained.

    I think the problem is the aftermath of the child reading there. Hardcover books get left on the floor where they could get wet and stepped on and otherwise damaged. Books and bathrooms aren’t really meant to be. I’ve seen magazines mostly in the reading rooms I have been to so maybe the rule is just about books?

    I later was picking up the house while she was getting ready for bed and there it was: the wet book on the middle of the floor. But I can’t be mad at her because she is reading by choice. I can pick up books off the bathroom floor all day if she reads them while she’s in there.

    Besides, it was a good pick: Little Kids - Big Dreams: David Attenborough

    I don’t think I completely agree with the no books whilst in the potty rule

    Besides- wait ‘til the child figures out she can bring her tablet in there.

    We won’t see her for days.

    Keep Reading,

    TH and Co.

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  5. B is for Bonsai

    Everybody needs a hobby

    I hadn’t really planned on things working out this way, but my hobby has turned into writing this newsletter where I write mostly about getting a six-year-old to bed and all the joy she provides me even when she’s being a royal PITA.

    BW on the other hand has become enamored with plant torture that the photo above provides evidence of. This is a relatively new hobby and it started with some bar thing where you get ~~inebriated~~ silly at the bar and then they had you a tree to trim to death.

    You would think that doing this to just one tree would be enough but as of today we have another one for BW to trim and torture. For the first tree she just kept asking me if we had any more zip-ties all the time but this time she’s gone all in and has special bonsai wire and bonsai trimmers for this poor tree.

    I don’t get the attraction of taking a perfectly good tree and then try and wire/force it into submission so that it will match your artistic ideas,

    But whatever. Happy wife, and all that.

    In other news the child still has exhausted from camp mode activated and her mood reflects it. She had a great day that started with too much time on the tablet and then a birthday party for 8 with 8 birthday cakes and a bouncy castle with a water slide in the backyard. I wasn’t there but apparently she just ran and ran for 2 hours straight.

    Tonight after I put her to bed 1 she came down to look for me in my man cave in the basement and told me that I was too far away and that she could only sleep if I was closer.

    Yeah….. nice try my little manipulative one, but it really is time for bed.

    YOUR bed.

    PS. I got a new laptop:

    It only has four keys - and one icon to click. It’s perfect for old Dads like me.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. or so I thought. ↩

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