Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. Home Alone

    This does not happen often so when it does I try and take full advantage.

    I am home. All Alone.

    No Wife.

    No Kid.

    Just me and the dog:

    You see, BW has a family thing in Pennsylvania this weekend. Something about Christmas celebrations, I dunno.

    This will be fine.

    Trouble is there’s a storm on the way. So the powers that be decided it would be best to leave early and try and get a head start on the storm. This did not work out as planned.

    No problem, I’ve got this. That’s what she told me.

    As I write this both wife and child are buttoned down at a “sleep hotel” – as the child calls hotels – in Corning, NY as the driving was too bad to continue. They thought that they could beat the storm but they didn’t make it.

    So, sleep hotel for them. Leftovers in the fridge for me.

    This is the rest of the week for me. There might be some couch napping. I mean I have to take care of the dog. Nobody said anything about my eyes having to be open.

    BW has made sure there’s food in the fridge and dog food in the cupboard so the dog and I are just buckled in and waiting for the storm to happen (or not).

    But tonight i have a rare night off from being Dad and doing the bedtime routine and administering just one more hug.

    We said our goodbyes this morning while we raced up and down the driveway waiting for the school bus to come. She’s good.

    And I will be good too. Because she left me this:

    Dear Dad. I will miss you, but have fun!

    I will miss you too. Sleep tight in the sleep hotel.

    Love,
    Dad.

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  2. Watch Out for the Mud

    “Hey Dad! Let’s play a game. Do you want to play a game?”, she asked

    Sure, I said. What game are we playing?

    It’s called “Watch out for the mud”

    “um….I’m not sure I am familiar with that one.”

    “It’s okay. I will teach you”

    Dear readers, I present to you: Watch out for the mud:

    watch out for that mud

    She dreamed this up by herself. I had no input whatsoever.

    I gotta say, that’s pretty smart. She must get it from BW because I am sure that I was five years old I I was still trying to eat the mud. Game design was not on my radar.

    I have no idea how she thought of it, but she ripped up little pieces of paper for the cards to draw with numbers written on each of them. She had “go to jail” cards and there was even a square that you had to move your man too if you did indeed land in the mud.

    We played about 3 rounds. The game play is a bit rough still and could use some improvement

    it’s either a 2 or five. It doesn’t really matter.

    There’s only 5 cards and two of them are of the go to jail variety and the artwork and printing need a bit of work. But we have a minimal viable product here. We will be actively seeking investors shortly.

    Be sure to book your space early. Don’t miss out on this like you did with Trivial Pursuit.

    Invest Now! Operators are standing by! Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to be one of the first investors on the next big thing in board games

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  3. Sorry, Not Sorry

    I don’t understand how things went sideways, but they did.

    She was happy as lark singing Feliz Navidad as she jumped off the bus and wandered up the driveway in her too-big shoes dragging a special Christmas craft that’s not be opened by us until the big day.

    The fun started when she saw the Highlights Magazine that came in the mail and she ran to it like a bug to a light. Trouble was, she still had her coat on and her shoes on and the dog needed to be fed.

    And she wanted one thing and that was the magazine. After asking repeatedly that she take off her shoes and hang up her coat like normal people do she ignored me and then when she did answer whined that taking off her shoes was too hard.

    Okay. If it’s too hard to take off your shoes then it’s too hard to read a magazine and I grabbed the magazine and tossed it on the shelf.

    Cue screaming.

    and more screaming

    and more…

    you get the idea.

    After getting screamed at for about 10 minutes straight she finally caught her breath enough to ask me for a hug.

    Oh. NO. That’s not how this works. You need to tell Dad you’re sorry before there’s any hugs happening.

    NO Hugs! She screamed at me.

    Okay, Bye. And I went downstairs to my little man/cave/office to hide from my five year old. She can sort out her emotions on her own time. I am done.

    About five minutes later, I hear scurrying behind me and I see a flash of her leaving. She left behind this note:

    Sorry, Dad.

    Apology accepted.

    I think I like this apology even better in writing. If she changes her mind, I can call my lawyer.

    We have a contract. Hugs are free.

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  4. Nobody Knows the No’s I Have Heard

    I’m getting sick of the No’s happening around here. It seems to be her favorite word lately.

    Put your shoes on – No
    Let’s go. We’re going to be late – No
    Pay attention to what you’re doing – No.

    Everything and I mean everything is a struggle lately. I know it’s normal and she’s fining out the boundaries and so on, but holy is this hard sometimes.

    So while I was putting on her SMO’s, I told her that in Upper Canada there’s a town called No-ville where all the kids that tell their parents “no” a lot have to go. They get on a bus and for 3 weeks they can have no fun. This means no books, stories or ice cream. No tablets or cookies or fun with Dad.

    I told her a blue bus picks them up and they go to no-no school to learn to stop saying no.

    I don’t know if she bought it or not, but after we cuddled in bed for a while – of course she protested when I got up to go because she didn’t want to go to bed. The first thing out of her mouth?

    “Noooooooooooo.”

    The bus comes to pick her up tomorrow at 9am. I told her to say Hi to Canada for me and to wear a jacket because it’s cold at this time of year.

    It’s the distractions that have been the problem this weekend. She can’t even play soccer without stopping mid field and daydreaming about unicorns or my little ponies or whatever else goes on in that pretty little head of hers.

    Today I took her to swimming and she had a heck of a time focusing on the teacher. She’s off in la-la land rather than paying attention and she even protests when the teacher tells her to do something in the lesson.

    Want to know what’s real fun? Trying to get her changed after swimming is over. She’s wet, complaining she’s cold and I’m trying to wrestle her out of a wet swimsuit that seemst to be glued to her body and is not going to ever come off.

    What would help a lot is if she actually paid attention and helped me get her dressed into clean clothes, but her attention is nowhere where it’s supposed to be and she’s off in la-la land of unicorns and candy sprinkles again and I really don’t know what to do about it.

    Part of me thinks this is a problem, and part of me thinks that’s she’s just five and in daydream-ville. (not to be confused with No-ville. It’s a different bus). The other part thinks that we have a problem here. I fear it’s a problem more and more as it’s been noted by the school and she’s in OT to help get her to focus and the daydreaming seems to hit a new level this weekend.

    Wait, where was I?

    Sorry, I got distracted.

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  5. The Drinking Contest

    We had just come back from soccer. She loves soccer and this is a first time playing indoors in the winter so she was super excited. I fired up the address of the North Tonawanda Sportsplex in Google Maps as I wanted to be sure I had the address right and she was looking over my shoulder.

    This morning she tells BW: “Mommy, you should see the sportsplex! It’s huge!”

    We made it there on time and besides the struggle of putting soccer socks and cleats on an excited five year old, we were good to go. This might be the first time she actually gets the idea of soccer. This might be her 4th season so it’s taken a while.

    This isn’t to say that she will be the next Messi. I noted that she’s still easily distracted and will stop mid-run and look at whatever else is interesting instead. She comes back eventually so all good.

    she missed.

    Because we’re at a proper arena and the kids are a little older I overheard my first “Soccer Dad” today. This poor kid was getting yelled at by his dad because he missed a shot. The dad kept enforcing the fact that he had to shoot and score and most importantly – win.

    These are five year olds. My goal is for her to have fun. (and in a perfect world, have a nap later) I don’t care if she wins. Besides, it’s the era where everybody gets a prize anyway at this age so winning is not the top priority.

    She was most excited because at the end of the lesson they get a stamp on their hand and she was thrilled to get two – one on each hand.

    “Wait until Mommy sees”, she told me.

    “She’ll be thrilled”, I replied.

    So, back to the drinking contest. Who doesn’t like a drinking game?

    We were just having a lazy Saturday here..a nap (for me, not her) and BW was on her laptop and we had a bit of laundry in the machine. The dog was even quiet.

    While we were otherwise occupied she had decided we needed to have a drinking contest:

    Which one would you pick?

    When I came back upstairs into the kitchen, the above scene was waiting for me.

    I had to drink all of the following and then color in either the happy or sad face as I went along. Ready? Here we go..

    1. Carbonated Water. I liked this – it’s plain and healthy and fizzy.
    2. Orange Juice – Orange Juice is Delicious – an easy happy face.
    3. Pineapple Juice – This might be better, but not right after OJ – sad face.
    4. Lemonade – This might have had a better chance if I was able to cleanse my palate but after the OJ and Pineapple this was a taste sensation that I could do without – sad face.

    And there you have it folks. Our Saturday.

    It’s still early so it’s not too late to start your own drinking contest.

    Beware of the hangovers though. That lemonade is potent stuff.

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