Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. That Time I Went to Argentina and Lost My Mind and Almost Ended Up Staying There

    I thought there would be cows. I saw 3 cows. I was disappointed

    It had been a decade of protest.

    As those who have known me can attest, “ adventure ” is not what I am particularly known for. I’m more of a stay inside and drink coffee and surf the internet kind of guy. Also, I like cables.

    Anyway, it came to everybody’s shock when I finally agreed to go to Argentina. One of my many stumbling blocks in going earlier was the cost. Airplane rides aren’t cheap. I found my mother-in-law was paying and voila! problem solved and I’m off to Argentina.

    I wasn’t sure what to expect except that it would be summer (which would be nice) and that there were cows. I saw 3 cows. For a country that’s known for their cow count I was not impressed.

    I really didn’t even know where we were going, who we were seeing or where we were staying. I was a small frog in a big pond at the mercy of my wife, child and mother-in-law. This was all unknown territory

    I did know that this was to be a big family get together and birthday party for the now five year old but other that that I was clueless. I did hope for some steak though – even with the lack of cows.

    I won’t bother you with every photo I took or place I visited, but I have to tell you that I must have lost my mind because when there it’s like my brain disconnected and I did things that were not my usual

    What Happens in Argentina..

    That’s me. In a Pool!

    Item number 1:

    I went swimming. Well..not really swimming. But I was wet in a pool – so close enough. I actually tried to swim and that didn’t work out so well so I stayed in the shallow end with the little one.. In fact, I blame her as she said to me “ you have to be brave, Dad ” and you can’t really argue with that. So ya, I swam. Kind Of.

    Item Number 2:

    This is where it gets really, really out of character for me: I drank. Wine. On more than one occasion: The first time we went to a wine tour and we were early so they gave us about an inch of wine in a glass. “What the hell” I thought as I let the evil spirit touch my lips for the first time in close to 30 years.

    Things may have gotten out of control. When at at winery, one must drink wine

    I’m not sure I would have agreed to this had I known the outcome, but BW wanted to go to a fancy restaurant while we were in Argentina with the built-in babysitter. We never go out as a couple anymore because- so that was nice. We get there, and I realize it’s a winery. How bad could it be?

    Ha! She picked some 5 star Michelin restaurant and told me we were going and that was pretty much the end of the discussion. Happy Wife, Happy Life.

    We took an Uber to the restaurant and the Uber driver couldn’t find it so that was fun driving around in a long sleeve pants and shirt with the windows down on a dusty road in a small little Fiat. Amazingly, we get to the place unscathed. Oh, Ubers are bit cheaper there. I think the ride cost like 2 bucks.

    We sit down and in front of me are not 1, but six empty wine glasses. “I will just have them taken away” I thought as I sat down. It was only when I was seated that six glasses of wine were included in the meal.

    Up to the table comes the somellier and says that he will be zee waiter today and will be presenting zee wine to accompany your meal. I thought okay – maybe I can do this. What the heck, I was on holiday..

    I made it about halfway through glass number 1 and knew I was in over my head. (as an aside, BW had no problems with the booze that I could see) For the other five glasses I knew I was in trouble and had about half a glass of each, at best. Near the end of the meal by the time dessert comes and I am gone. I’m not sure I knew who I was anymore, but we somehow made it back to the house we were renting and a few hours later after sleeping it off I felt fine.

    I have to say that I didn’t really enjoy the drinking. I didn’t like the loss of control of my brain all that much and I doubt I will doing that again any time soon. But it was a nice meal with the boss without 5 year-olds tossing food in the air or humming while they eat – so there’s that.

    The meal itself was “nice”. You know, it’s 7 courses, but you could fit all courses in one plate if you tried. The first course was 3 small balls of watermelon with some fancy salt. The food was fine – and cheap.!We wouldn’t be able to afford a bougie place like that back home. Our bill, with 6 glasses of wine each was under $200.

    Then the main event: the birthday party

    Balloons are the best when you’re Five.

    This was a pretty big to-do, and the six months of planning made it all worthwhile. I couldn’t speak a lick of spanish, but I could see that everybody was having a good time so I just sung along – even if I couldn’t undertand the lyrics.

    There was live music, over 50 people, and of course the best part would be the bouncy house. Any birthday that includes a bouncy castle is a good party.

    the highlight of her day

    They even hired a guy to cook the all the meat

    The party was a blast and we all had a great time ringing in the 5th birthday. The actual party was a few days before and so when it was actually time for her birthday she was in denial. “She already had her party” she told me so she was good.

    She didn’t mind the birthday cake for breakfast, even if it wasn’t her birthday:

    birthday cake for breakfast.

    So with this big birthday party behind us, we had five days to relax at the “campo” with the swimming pool before we go home..

    Then the Door Fell Off The Airplane

    Funny story: we get off the airplane in Panama for our layover on the way there and all over the news is about a plane where the doors flew off. I asked BW – “Hey, weren’t we on a plane just like that hours ago?”. Yes, we were.

    Huh. Oh well.. We didn’t think much of it and went back to enjoying summertime weather in January and 5 year-old’s birthday parties.

    Until… we get this email.

    Dear United Airlines..

    You suck.

    We are literally stranded in Argentina with no way to get home.

    We call United. Of course they are useless and the best they could do was to reschedule our flight for Feb 7! I would still be in Argentina right now if I left things up to United Airlines. We booked the flight in June 2023.

    The problem was BW had a job to back to whereas the world won’t stop turning if I don’t drive an Uber for another week and the kiddo is in Pre-K so it’s not like she’s missing much.

    The solution we came up with was that BW had to leave and make it back to work on time so the only solution was for her to fly from Buenos Aires. Trouble is, she was in Cordoba. Want to know what’s between the 2 cities? An 8 hour bus ride.

    After the bus ride, she still had hours and hours on new expensive flights because United sucks.

    The wee one and I ended up staying at the “campo” for another 5 days with the MIL taking good care of us. Heck, she even cleaned the pool:

    She’s too good to us.

    The pumpkin and I “coped” for 5 more days with a pool and 90 degree sunny weather and great food:

    I don’t know how I survived.

    Oh. But it gets better:

    There was a general strike in Argentina starting just while BW was getting off the bus. So with hours to spare we found somebody that “knew a guy” that would get her to the Airport safely before the shit went sideways.

    As it turns out, all we know is shit of the sideways kind and I get a text message from BW when she lands in Miami on the way home to Buffalo.

    I am not making this up.

    This asthma is a strange thing. We’ve yet to find a rhyme or reason for the source or triggers but apparently flying to Miami is not good for her breathing and seeing as how breathing is kind of important we won’t be doing any more flying for a while.

    3 days later she’s released from the hospital after getting stabilized to get home because she still has that job she was rushing to get back to – but now she’s 3 days late. There was a time when we thought the pumpkin and I would be back home before she was. It was not a good scene.

    Meanwhile at the “campo”, the pumpkin and I are “coping” with the sun and steak and watching somebody else clean the pool for our next swim. There really wasn’t much we could do from Argentina for BW other than call her on whatsapp as she was good hands in the hospital. She’s had so many trips to the hospital for her asthma it’s not funny any more.

    Wait. There’s More..

    For those with normal luck, BW would get released from the hospital, get on the next plane, take an Uber home and collapse in bed. End of story.

    But her story was different:

    She gets to the Airport, and she’s put on the first standby to Chicago. So far so good.

    The wait isn’t too bad and she gets on the plane. Then while she’s sitting in the plane they keep on delaying her departure. Until… they tell her to get off the plane she just got on.

    She gets sent to a hotel for a few hours. In the morning she gets on another plane in Chicago and finds out that the airline has no crew to fly this plane.

    Yup. No Crew. So she sat some more and then about 2 hours sitting in a non-moving airplane the airline finally found a crew to fly the freaking thing. You couldn’t make this up.

    Finally, she’s home in the bed and her Dad drives up to keep an eye on her breathing because you shouldn’t be alone in a house when you have trouble breath and that’s what Dads are supposed to do – take care of their daughters.

    Speaking of Dads and Daughters..

    say cheeeeeze.

    The day finally arrives where we get on the plane and our trip is a lot less eventful. I hadn’t really planned it but most of our flying took place overnight so she slept and so did I.

    There was a bit of language barrier at the airport in Argentina but with some smiles and hand waving we figured it out.

    There was a bit of screaming when we descended into Buffalo due to the popping ears and that’s understandable. Heck, I hate the ear thing too.

    Flying over the Andes Mountains

    We were picked up by Grandpa at the airport and he takes us home. By the time we get home the pumpkin is so tired she’s speaking in tongues. She gets in the door and goes straight up to her bedroom and puts herself to bed where she slept and didn’t move for four hours. She was so tired.

    Surprisingly, the transition to regular life was pretty easy. She was up until midnight almost every night in Argentina, but now that we’re back in Buffalo she’s busy at school again and I had her in bed and asleep by 7pm tonight. I’m super Dad.

    Now we’re back we now have to sort how we’re going to get a refund from United Airlines because I’m not losing this fight. I want a refund for this shit show. When I booked the plane I assumed that doors would not fall off and we would not be stuck in Argentina for five days and BW wouldn’t have to go through all that to get home.

    Let Me Bore You With My Travel Photos

    Prints available upon request

    Despite all the unplanned things that happened on this trip all of us had a really good time and we actually relaxed (until we tried to get back) and had a great time.

    Thank you to the pool lady for all your hard work with organizing this. It’s going to be hard not to have steak every day. And don’t get me started on the wine.

    Safe Travels,

    Tidy Husband and Co.

    bought stamps but they came printed as labels which I thought was weird to say the least.

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  2. Smashing Pumpkins

    We have a post-Halloween tradition I wanted to share: smashing pumpkins. This started a few years back when she was smaller and has turned into an annual thing and I have to tell you I like this better than the actual Halloween.

    When it’s time to get rid of the pumpkins on the porch we bring them to the wooded area across the street and hammer the heck out of ‘em. They’re for the deer and bunnies to eat, we tell her.

    don’t worry. I know what I am doing.

    It’s a lot of fun to get her ya-ya’s out and she loves it. I end up doing all the heavy smashing, and it’s better for the environment than tossing these heavy things in the trash like we used to in the past.

    Halloween is BW’s favorite holiday so this is just the icing on the cake to polish off season of candy and chocolate.

    And when we go back to check a week later to see how the deer and bunnies made out, the pumpkins are pretty much gone, which is good to see – we already have her believing in Santa Claus so we don’t really need Halloween deer.

    all gone.

    Now that Halloween’s all done we’re now counting the days until Christmas!

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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  3. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

    We are in full on Christmas mode here and we can’t wait! The letter has been sent this morning and the order has been placed.

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    This year we are all about Paw Patrol thanks to YouTube Kids and the big request is a Paw Patroller. There is just a small problem: we don’t know what this is.

    We hope it’s this because I’m pretty sure that is what she’s getting.

    Also it was only 20 bucks, so there is that. There’s also $100 options on Amazon and that’s not happening because: money.

    She also asked for some paw patrol figures as well because after a brief hiatus with the paw patrol, we are back in the thick of the paw patrol imagination land, and you can’t get enough of the paw patrol.

    Any bath toy or any other toy becomes paw patrol in her little head. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s now a paw patrol character.

    She’s actually pretty good with the toys and for the most part could care less about toys. We can walk through Target and she likes to look at them but she doesn’t need to bring one home with her. I wish I could say the same when I walk past the Starbucks.

    It’s funny, as last year she just wanted an excavator toy. I’m not sure where she locked on to the excavator but it’s all she wanted. Santa was a little confused as most little girls want pink stuff like princess stuff but not her. She wanted that excavator, dammit and Santa better come through. [1]

    Now, about the screaming and pouting: we have to work on that apparently because as soon as she gets tired she’s a dumpster fire. And there’s no calming her down. The best solution seems to be to let her be and she has to learn to sort itself out on her own. She can deal with her screaming – not us.

    I told her that I have an direct line to Santa and that if she doesn’t get her act together I can call him and he can skip our house. [2] She better get her act together.

    So. Christmas. It’s coming and I think that this is the perfect year for this to happen: She’s old enough to get the idea, but not old enough to ask for something specific that’s the toy of the year and sold out everywhere.

    Maybe I’m overly optimistic, but I think the holidays will be perfect this year.

    1. He did.
    2. Not to worry. We have a savings account for therapy in the future.

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  4. Cars, Cars and Even More Cars

    Ever think to yourself you have nothing to write about and your life is just another day and you have nothing new to talk about or share and then some other days life just slaps you in the face with change?

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    Monday was a face slapper.

    The day started fine. I got up early and gassed up the Honda and started uber driving. It was uneventful for the most part – well, except for the guy with heart problems in the back seat and I’m sure was close to death – but that’s irrelevant to the story so we’ll leave that for another day.

    About 11am it slows down and I take a breather. I floated the idea of trading in the Honda and getting a cheap Chevy Bolt to BW a few weeks earlier so on a lark I googled “Chevy Bolt for Sale Near Me” and lo and behold, this came up:

    It’s a 2019 with 18000 miles on it for $18,000. Available 2 miles away.

    I text BW the link just for fun and she replies back:

    “Just go get it – We’ll figure it out”

    Guys, I have said this before if you get permission from your wife to buy a car, TV or some other thing that usually is answered with a “No” – do not ask questions. Just get it bought before she changes her mind.

    Also, buy her flowers – or at least a bottle of wine because she’s a keeper.

    An hour later we are at the dealership test driving this thing, and it’s great!

    Numero Uno is it’s 100% electric. The Honda was getting 20 MPG, but this thing gets 160 MPG. Instead of paying $200+ a week in gas I will pretty much be ubering without any fuel costs. Charging from home should be about four bucks a day I figure. We have solar panels too so this should reduce the cost even further. Our electricity bill i so low that when the Tesla showed up there really wasn’t much of a difference in cost.

    BW already has the Tesla so we’re already wired for sound when it comes to charging and wiring so getting out of the Honda and into this was a no brainer for the most part when it comes to operating costs. I had to buy a $50 adapter for the Tesla charger because god forbid there’s any standard to connectors. Apple Lightning connector, I am looking at you.

    Anyway, new car. Yay. Always an exciting day.

    It’s been nicknamed bluey gooey by the four year old. We’re on a fox in sox book reading marathon currently. I am not sure if this will stick, but there you have it.

    Of course the dealership experience was crappy as it always is. They low balled big time on the trade and wouldn’t budge at all. So we went across the street and sold the Honda to another dealer right then and there for 30% more than their crappy trade offer.

    And then the sales pitches for the warranties and other crap came. Sell me the car. Not the $2500 warranty.

    We do get 4 free oil changes so that’s nice. [1]

    Goodbye Honda, it’s been nice.

    She’s pretty good looking for her age. The car, that is.

    We thought we would be out a car for a few days at most and I would have some time to vacuum but because this was a trade in the dealer hadn’t done any repairs yet and one thing that needed to get fixed was the passenger window that wouldn’t roll up. Of course, the part was hard/impossible to get due to the auto workers strike so not really the fault of the dealer.

    Finally, they call and say the car is ready. We go to pick it up and they give us a hard time because it was a wire transfer and the young “sales manager” didn’t quite grasp the idea of a wire transfer. He thought it would take days. It took an hour. If I can help it, this will be the last time I set foot in a dealership. The entire system is so antiquated. Anyway, rant over. Dealers suck. The End.

    How to Survive Unemployment

    Of course I was in no hurry to get the car and get back to work because if you know me you will know that I like easy and if I have a choice between a:working and b:not working then “b” wins every time.

    While I was unemployed and carless I took the bonus time to get around to finally selling more of my late father’s diecast car collection on eBay. I managed to get a few listed – actually over 200.

    Here’s a few photos:

    just a few cars. nothing to see here.

    Because I know absolutely nothing about diecast cars I have to tell you that Google Lens was a lifesaver. You point your phone at the car and it tells you it’s a 1956 Desoto or whatever it was. [2] It was a huge time saver.

    So far the sales have been going very well. There were a few cases where I got the size of these things mixed up but the buyers are pretty happy when you give them a full refund and tell them they can keep the car. I do not want these back. This has been a huge undertaking that I have been chipping away at for over 2 years on and off.

    You should have seen BW’s face when I came home with thirteen moving boxes full of tiny diecast cars. I think sheer panic would describe it best. But,I have been getting there and slowly the basement has less junk in it.

    It’s interesting what sells. The thing that you think would be worth nothing and looks like it came from Walmart is worth something. And then the opposite happens as well where you think that the car might be worth something only to find it doesn’t sell. If anybody is interested in a Billy Ray Cyrus Tour Bus diecast car let me know and I can hook you up.

    So yea, October ended up being “car month” for us.

    Speaking of October..

    Three guesses what a 4 year old girl wants to be for Halloween?

    If you guessed monkey princess then you have it right

    She was thrilled with Halloween as this was the year that it finally clicked – you dress up and people give you candy. What’s not to like?

    The ladies went out and I stayed home with the bowl of candy to give out. She had a great time. Her favorite candy? Sour Patch Kids. She was given full size chocolate bars and nope, not interested. She went straight for the stuff that gets stuck in her teeth. I guess if she’s going to be allowed candy on a weeknight before bed I guess she might as well for the most horrible thing she could pick.

    this year’s haul.

    We Went Bowling

    The weekends tend to sneak up on you when you’re a parent and then you realize it’s Friday and OMG What are we going to do with the child? We can’t let her watch YouTube for 2 days straight. [4]

    So we went bowling! Want to know the last time I went bowling? It was before the first iPhone was released – that’s for sure.

    Bowling has changed some. There’s electronics that keep the score, there’s bumpers for the kids and heck, even the shoes are nicer.

    Mom Wins!

    Bye Bye Bowling Ball

    It was a a great time. They even have lighter balls for her and a wire contraption that makes sure the ball actually hits a pin. Heck, there were times when I could have used that thing. I don’t remember bowling hurting so much in the past. And there’s no smoking indoors anymore so the local lane was nice and bright and clean. It was a good time and we will be back. She had a “fuzzy lemonade” (Sprite) for a drink so she was thrilled.

    I guess that’s it for now. You will note that she is back to having shorter hair because she won’t let us comb the long hair and it becomes a knotted mess. So goodbye long hair, we’ll try again later.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

    1. Except it’s an electric car you idiots.
    2. is there even a 1956 DeSoto? Where’s Dad when I need him?
    3. Actually, just a princess.
    4. We can’t right? just wanted to check.

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  5. Shit Happened

    Somehow in the flash of what seems like a second we’ve gone from having a four year old at home to a 14 year old. At least that’s how she’s been acting lately. In some ways she’s so grown up and other ways..well….. not so much.

    Today’s example is in the photo above. She decided that she didn’t want the rocket ship sticker on her wall any more as it “was boring” and that was for babies. She’s had the sticker on the wall since she was a baby so I can see how those dots might connect.

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    Okay, we ask: “What do you want on your wall instead?”

    “Emojies” she replies. “The Poop One”

    What I want to know is how the heck she figured out what emoji’s even are and how does she know that’s there’s one about poop?

    So we did what every parent of the year does: We caved and bought them for her because there’s Amazon. And hey, look at that, the poop emoji’s and crap from China are now delivered right to our door the next day. Now we don’t have to go out and buy our poop. One click and shit happens.

    Also, see the hair? Getting pretty long, yes? Looks nice, yes?

    Well…not really. She doesn’t let us comb it at all. The plan was to let it grow because she’s a big girl now and we have a wedding to go to in a few month’s time so we thought it would be nice to have the flower girl with beautiful flowing hair – at least that was the delusional dream life we had. The reality is much, much, worse. And with knots.

    The screaming. The Crying. And OMG – the knots. We have used probably 40 bucks worth of conditioner this month trying to tame the beast that’s on her head currently but no love. We have spray and wide tooth combs and have tried bribes/distractions/crying (me) and nothing works. She won’t let us comb or tame the beast.

    The back of her head looks like, I dunno what. Words can’t even describe the horror that is the state of her hair. The dog has nicer hair at this point. It’s pretty bad. So don’t be too surprised if some time in the near future if there’s a post about her new short haircut because we’re done with the screaming and tears.

    She also said that she wants and iPhone but we’re still a bit of a ways to go for that. Stickers you can have, but you have to learn to spell and brush your hair before there’s any conversation about an iPhone.

    One thing at a time sweetheart. Now, goodnight and go to bed.

    Until Next Time,

    TH and Co.

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