Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. F is for Flu

    Hey, here’s a question: What happens after you get Covid in August?

    Subscribe

    Answer: You get the flu in September! That’s What!

    As always, things went sideways on a Friday Afternoon. All bad news waits until Friday afternoons for us. Always.

    This time it started with the dreaded email from school: About 2pm, her teacher messaged us that the pumpkin was complaining that “her brain hurt” and she wanted mommy. “Also, there’s a case of the flu going around the school so here’s your kid and goodluck with that and have a nice weekend! Bye!”

    We get the child home and she’s so-so. Not great but not horrible. We get some Tylenol into her and she seems to bounce back. Okay! Bedtime! The next morning she’s better and watches YouTube on her tablet for most of the day [1]

    Whew, maybe we dodged the bullet. Maybe.

    Or…maybe not.

    Tuesday was BW’s 50th birthday and seeing we had the big party already our celebrations consisted of a few dollar store balloons and a fancy birthday cake from Wegmans

    Then BW started to complain of a headache, and later came the fever and chills. Welcome aboard the flu-train! We’re going on a shivering and sweaty ride for the next few days.

    I thought I had dodged the bullet. I am invincible after all. [2] I had the flu shot earlier in the week. I was good. I was solid. I had no worries at all. So I thought.

    Then I got the flu. So, yeah. So much for being invincible. I was sick.

    And I have to tell you it was a weird one. It might not have been as bad as the COVID back in August but it was just plain weird. You kind of felt okay, but mostly didn’t and I spent 2 days on the couch doing the bare minimum. Usually, I like the couch and I’m famous for doing as little as possible – but not under these circumstances.

    So the flu. We both had shots, we both got it. The wee one got her flu shot on Wed so hopefully we’re immune up the wazoo for the next while because I gotta tell you I’m kind of sick of the sick.

    Up next..

    Not the four letter word you were thinking of. This is a family newsletter.

    The child can SPELL. See the photo above? She figured out that word by herself.

    There are mixed emotions about this development:

    Pro: She can spell.
    Con: She can spell.

    This means we can’t spell all the things as we had been doing. No more spelling P-A-R-K or C-O-O-K-I-E.

    To put things mildly, we’re F-*-*-*-E-D.

    Until Next Time,

    TH & Co.


    1. Once again, we’re parents of the year.
    2. At least my daughter thinks so.

    Permalink

  2. That Time We Planned a Surprise Birthday Party

    Hello all 17 of you! I was doing so well with the weekly writing thing until I wasn’t. It’s been so busy with stuff here the last few weeks I have had zero time to be in front of a computer. In the past two weeks we’ve had a first day of school, a new job, jury duty and a big birthday party and more. Keep reading below to get caught up.

    Item Number 1: The Birthday Party

    Sisters.

    The beautiful wife turns the mid-century mark in a few days from now so we (read: my mother in law) thought it would be fun to have a surprise birthday party. The plan was to surprise her in Pennsylvania where all her family was. Simple right?

    This had to be the most complicated birthday party I have ever been involved in and I didn’t even do much work except to get her down there.

    Mid August, the wee one was taken away from us for two weeks to spend time with Abuela and then we would drive down to Pennsylvania to pick her up. Simple enough right?

    Of course nothing goes as planned here as our blissful two weeks of child free and adult only lifestyle was interrupted by both work and the fact that we were still hung over from COVID. We did manage to get to the movies to see Oppenheimer without having to cough up $100 for babysitting, so there’s that. Small Victories

    It wouldn’t be a party without a cake.

    By theory this should be a pretty easy plan: Kid goes away – wife picks up kid and gets surprised. Simple enough yes? Not when your wife is my wife. No way.

    The surprise party was planned for Saturday afternoon. She wanted to go down Thursday afternoon. This was a problem. Then she wanted to go down Friday and that still wasn’t working because the party was Saturday! And there was party-getting-ready-stuff to do that she must not be aware of.

    It was decided that her Dad would call and say she can’t come down earlier as they have plans that week, but she should come down for Saturday and meet at her sister’s house and the three of them would go out to a brew pub. That worked for the wife and we thought we were good with the surprise.

    Nope. Not my wife. She gets it in her head that she needs to leave at 5am so she can be there lunchtime at the brew pub. This is not working for the surprise at all. So I get home Friday night from work at about 8pm and she’s still on this “leave early” thing and won’t let go.

    I pretend I am tired and cranky and we should all just go to bed. Because if you know her at all you will know that she loves the bed and if I can get her into the bed then it’s smooth sailing as she definitely won’t get out of it at 5am.

    I just didn’t set the alarm for 5:00am and there’s no way she would get up at five on her own accord so the timing was perfect. I got her out of bed at 7am and we were on the road by 8:00am which was perfect timing. I was told not to get there before 2:00 and we rolled up to the house at 2:15

    We arrive, and walk to the back door and behind all the bushes were 50+ friends and family hiding. Surprise! It worked. She had no idea. It was awesome.

    As we drive up to the house there are lots of cars parked on the street and she says to me “somebody’s having a party”. Yes, dear they are. It’s for you. It’s a good thing you don’t pay much attention to what the family members drive because otherwise the drive would be surprised.

    A few things made this all work out in the end:

    BW was told not to call on Friday to check on the little one as she was “very busy” and could not talk on the phone. BW just thought her mother had her going swimming and visiting friends but our child was very busy helping to decorate and even help with the cucumber salad.

    Thank you to all of those involved for making this a success. It was a close call on more than one occasion but somehow we managed to pull it off. I do know I’m not planning another surprise party for some time now. Maybe for her 100th. We’ll see.

    Item Number 2: The First of Many School Days

    We are looking a little apprehensive about the whole idea.

    Getting her to smile for a photo is near impossible. This is the best it gets. …

    she gets the end spot. maybe she’ll be a chairperson when she grows up

    I especially like the profession choice. lord knows we need all the therapy we can get here.

    So. School.

    Like real school. Want to know how it’s real? We don’t have to pay for it! [1] This is a pretty big deal. Her daycare jacked the price to $325.00 a week that we no longer have to pay. I’m not sure where the ‘extra money’ we are supposed to have has gone but it’s safe to say there’s still no ‘extra money’ because we still have to feed/dress/entertain the wee one. Also, the Honda needed brakes.

    A few weeks before she was a a little leery of the idea of leaving her old daycare but the night before she was jazzed to go as it meant she didn’t go to daycare anymore but she was going to a big girl school.

    She decided that for pre-k eve she should wear the new fuzzy PJ’s that wifey bought for her for the fall. Trouble was it was like 90 degrees that night so she was super sweaty all night and probably a bit stinky by morning. We tossed clothes on her and got her out the door.

    Our back to school day started with a very early start because she was so excited. We were early, like really early. We were at school a good half an hour before required. This gave us time to get to know here teacher and for the wee one to get acquainted with her new educational institution.

    I’m happy to report that there’s been no problems with the new environment and she’s already made a best friend. The school is more structured with the lessons and there’s an app where I can directly message the teacher if need be. I also get updates on what she had for snacks and lunch that the school supplies!

    She now gets to eat a lot of tuna sandwiches as it’s served a lot. Probably due to budgetary considerations. Safe to say she’s not thrilled and has already asked to take a lunch. Nope, not happening – you’re eating tuna.

    Also, because she’s in big girl school she tells me she needs an iPhone. Keep dreaming sweetheart.

    Item Number 3: Take This Job and Shove it

    I have a new job! I was happily delivering smiles for some guy named Jeff for a few years now and thought I would bang out a few more years and then retire, but the universe – (or more likely, Jeff) decided that I needed to deliver from a new warehouse that’s a 40 minute drive away instead of the 12 minutes I was currently commuting.

    The time of the drive wasn’t the problem – it was the location! This new warehouse is on the other side of town and that’s not really the problem but as they say in the real estate business it’s all about location. This new warehouse is located right along the edge of Lake Erie.

    that’s a lot of lake effect snow to drive through in rush hour on the way there and in the dark of night on the way back

    Want to know what else is along the lake? Snow. Lots and lots of snow. It would also be driving in the dark and due to my eye I doubt I would be able to pass the eye exam to drive the big truck and once you’ve driven it you can’t go back to driving the mini-vans.

    So. I quit. This wan’t planned but now that it’s happened – it was time. I was getting a little old for driving at night – especially with my eyeball and slipping on snow and ice hurts more than when I was younger.

    The workload was getting bigger and bigger too and the metrics were starting to get out of control due to the Karens in the world that would complain about their imperfect delivery even though they had their every desire delivered to her front door! (don’t get me started)

    I was supposed to quit on the last day of the move to the new warehouse but BW got called to jury duty so it was hard to schedule me for work when I didn’t know if would be able to work until 6pm the night before. So, I called at noon on a Friday and packed it in.

    So what now? Say hello to my new employer:

    This Uber driving has actually been working out pretty well. I can take a day off when need be or I can just go out for a few hours on the weekends if we have nothing going on. The Honda is in pretty good shape for a 10 year old car so a few more miles should be okay on it as it only has to last us a few more years anyway.

    My schedule is I wake early and drive from 5am to 2 p.m. and then go pick up the child from school at 2:30. Then we go home and have snacks and coffee and play outside if it’s nice or do crafts or something. There’s a “no tablet” rule on the weekdays here so I actually have to spend time with her and it’s been great!

    This unexpected career change has actually turned out for the better as I have more family time as I am home every night for dinner and bedtime where we jump on the bed and have general silliness before the nightly bath happens and bedtime routine begins

    The pay is pretty much the same as before delivering. I make a bit more but have to put a lot of gas in the car so at the end of the day it’s the same. The win is that due to the fact I can set my own schedule we save money on after-school care because now I am the after school care. This is about a $600 a month savings. That buys a lot of gas for the car.

    Despite the fact this wasn’t planned so far so good. We’re happy and my family time has increased dramatically as I am home more and not driving around in the dark anymore.

    Speaking of being home more…

    Item Number 4: I Can Fix Things

    A few days back BW texted me: the dryer is broken.

    “Explain broken” I ask.

    “It’s broken” she replies

    Sigh. I asked her to describe the problem and not repeat herself.

    “No heat? No spin? What?” I ask again.

    “No Spin” she says.

    Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash

    So, I get home and have a look. She’s right – no spin.

    The last time the dryer died we had a dopey repairman come out that looked like he just rolled out of bed and stunk like he never knew what a washing machine was so I figured I might have a stab a repairing this myself. It would be cheaper and less stinky.

    I did a bit of research and found a roller kit for my model that was $35 so I figured this was a lot better price than a $300+ service call.

    Now, how to fix it? YouTube University to the rescue! It took me all of 3 seconds to find a video on how to take apart the dryer to replace the rollers and the belt. Surely I could do this and this would fix it right?

    Here goes…

    This is fine.

    Some assembly required.

    Overall, after a few cuts due to sharp edges and some cursing and a few “ Not right now! Daddy is busy!” outbursts – I managed to get this thing apart and the new rollers installed.

    I also pulled out a pair of toddler pants and 2 pairs of Peppa Pig underpants out of the dryer motor which I am pretty sure was not supposed to be there.

    Lo and behold I managed to take the whole thing apart and get it back together with just one extra screw at the end, which I figure isn’t too bad for a newbie with a Phillips screwdriver and lot of guts.

    After getting it all put back together it was working fine for a few hours and then it started to rattle. So, I gave it a good shake and whack on the side and it’s been running like a top since.

    Problem solved. For now.

    Item number 5: The Dog Bed

    If only the dog would use it. The kiddo thinks it’s great though.

    When the dog was a puppy we bought the usual puppy starter kit: bowls, crate, toys, etc and also dog beds to go into the crates. So we ordered one. This one.

    Amazon shipped us 12 of the things instead. We kept all 12 and gave a few to friends and over time we actually used all the dog beds as the dog would eat them until there was nothing left of them. So, it was time to get new dog beds according to the wife because the dog needs to be comfortable at all costs.

    Wife chooses this one. This is the one you see above. It’s got a rip stop nylon fabric filled with some stuffing so it seems like it might be a little more indestructible than the previous ones that ended up being just a shell of their former selves.

    Anyway. New dog beds come. Old beds get tossed and new ones get put inside crates and everyone goes to bed in ultimate comfort, yes? No. Not even close.

    The dog would not get into the crate. I don’t know if it’s the height or the stability or what but there was no freaking way this dog was getting in the crate. We tried treats, shoving her in – everything. We tried letting her out and see if she would want to go back in on her own accord. Nothing.

    In the meantime, BW has gone fast asleep leaving the dog bed problem to be my problem even though she was the one that had this fantastic idea and waited until bedtime to see if this would work.

    Fine. The dog will finally go to bed, I figured so I went to bed. The dog can figure it out, or sleep on the floor.

    This is not what happened. The dog paced, and paced, and paced.

    Click, click, click on the floor for a good hour. There was no way this dog was getting into this thing and BW was off in slumber land. I decided to try and get the dog downstairs with me while I slept on the couch and she might use the new bed she has downstairs but nope, no love.

    The dog slept on the floor beside me but because I was on the couch the dog was still anxious and nervous because she’s not used to me sleeping on the couch and also “ what did you do to my crate?” she asked me. I’m sorry dog. I just live here too. You have to ask the boss.

    It was a long and sleepless night for both of us.

    Currently the dog has no beds in her crates and doesn’t seem to mind a bit and I’ve been sleeping like a baby so I’m good if the dog wants to sleep on hard plastic vs a nice soft bed. Life is full of bad choices and she chose plastic.

    BW thinks that the dog will magically start lying on the bed one day but as you can see from the photo above the only visitor to the bed has been the child. It seems everybody doesn’t like the beds they have been assigned in this house.

    Except for BW. I have a hard time getting her out of hers most mornings.

    Until Next Time…

    TH and Co.

    Subscribe


    1. Well.. in cash every week. There’s still taxes. And Death.

    Permalink

  3. Almost Famous

    I always wondered what it would be like to be famous. Not just known by the barista at Starbucks that knows your regular latte order but famous. Like really famous. Think Taylor Swift famous. Elon Musk Famous. Michael Jackson Famous. Donald Trump Famous. (well, maybe not that last one because that’s a special case of famous and not the fame I would want.)

    Subscribe

    Besides the constant cameras aimed at you at all times or having all your flights tracked I bet it’s well…kind of cool. But what is considered famous? Is it measured by clicks? money? Instagram followers? Facebook friends? Are only artists famous?

    How about automotive designers, or I dunno – packaging engineers? I wonder if there’s a famous packaging engineer that is known by all other packaging engineers? Is there an Oppenheimer of packaging engineers? I have questions!

    Then there’s the fame you don’t want. Mugshot famous is not the fame I would want. I don’t want to have an inmate number. That’s not fame.

    All the above to say that fame has brushed up against us this past week, but without money or jets or orange hair. Folks, I present to you…

    The Brush with Fame

    This isn’t exactly about me. In fact this isn’t about me at all, but beautiful wife had a tweet liked by no other than Elon Musk! (or artificial AI or one of his minions but don’t go bursting our bubble.) but still. Check this out!

    We’re still waiting for the space outfits to show and the odds are pretty iffy but hey you never know. And, If the space suits do show I will model them.

    My fame this week was a little less thrilling: I was told I looked like Nicolas Cage. I was also followed by a creepy old guy in a Hyundai Genesis but that’s a story for another day. My first stalker.

    Hey! Maybe I do know what it’s like to be famous after all!

    This is far from the fame we would want. Having some rich guy like your tweet while doom scrolling on the website he bought and owns might not be the fame we thought we might have – but that’s as close as we’ve got so far.

    Oh. That and I have 16 subscribers with this newsletter so far. What else could a guy want?

    Autographs are available on request.

    Until next time..

    TH and Co.

    Permalink

  4. On Getting A Poke In The Eye

    A few months back I thought my eyesight was failing me a bit. So I took myself to the Optician where I was told it was all in my head and that maybe my eyeglasses needed a bit of an adjustment. Great! I thought. I got my eyeglasses tweaked and they helped somewhat so I went home. The end, yes?

    No.

    A few weeks ago I noticed that if I close my left eye I can’t see much out of my right eye. I’m no doctor and I don’t play one on TV but I do know that not being able to see is kind of a big deal.

    My vision in my right eye is so bad that if I look at you I can see your ears and around you yet my central vision is well, toast. It’s just a black blob.

    Back to the optician I go and this time I had a better optician who suggested an emergency appointment at a retinal specialist because it turns out I had a retinal bleed and bleeding in the back of the eye isn’t a good thing.

    I had planned on going to Target after my optical appointment but BW suggested that wasn’t such a good idea and I should get my butt home so she can take me to the retina guy. Target can wait, she said.

    I drive home so she can drive me to the eye guy as they are going to dilate me and I will be in no shape to drive and then we’re off for my emergency retinal appointment. This was not something I thought would happen. My exiting part of the day was supposed to be a Target run. And a Nap. It was my day off work.

    We arrive at the docs and do all the tests with paddles and charts and lights and lasers and when I am asked to read the letters on the chart I can’t see the chart let alone tell the nurse what the letters are.

    Tests are done and we wait for the Doc. You know how this goes…

    Doc walks in and takes a glance at the x-rays or scans on the computer screen and turns around and tells me I have to get a needle in the eye. MONTHLY.

    WAIT. Hold up THERE.

    Did he say a needle in the eye? Every Month?

    I didn’t hear wrong. He Did.

    In fact, we’re going to start with the needle right now. As in Today.

    I’m not needle phobic really. I’ve had more than enough dental work to last a lifetime and while needles are not the best, I have survived. But a needle in the eye? Oof.

    I’m not good with stuff in my eyes. Eye drops are impossible, as are contact lenses and even water from the shower and now this dude is telling me this? I have to get a needle? IN. the. eyeball? Yes, he is.

    The Universe Hates Me.

    Did you know you can numb an eyeball? Me either!

    Turns out getting a needle in the eye is not the best thing I have ever experienced but I am glad that this technology exists so getting a needle in the eyeball isn’t as completely bad as it sounds.

    What’s bad is the “needle in the eye hangover”. It feels like you have sand in your eyeball for about 3 days afterwards so assuming a 30 day month I only have 27 days until I get to do it all over again.

    Google’s AI tells me that the fancy name for this treatment is called Anti-VGEF treatment. I call it what it is – a needle in the eyeball.

    Anti-VEGF (anti-vascular endothelial growth factor) therapy uses medications that block vascular endothelial growth factor (VEGF). VEGF is a protein that promotes the growth of new blood vessels and makes blood vessels more leaky. Anti-VEGF medicines stop the growth of these new blood vessels, which prevents damage to the retinal light receptors and loss of central vision.

    Anti-VEGF therapy is used to treat certain cancers and age-related macular degeneration. Anti-VEGF medicines are injected directly into the eye, during a quick and relatively painless procedure.

    “Relatively painless procedure” says Google. Ha. Google hasn’t been laid back in a chair had their eyeball numbed and their eyelid forced open and a needle stuck in their eyeball. I disagree with these results. Relatively painless compared to what? I want specifics!

    The good news is that the shit seems to be working. I am about 50% better with just one shot so far so hopefully the end is near for this new monthly routine I don’t care for and things will clear up over time.

    I can still drive with this ailment. According to the NYS DMV I only need one eye to drive which is news to me. For a moment there I thought my driving would be over.

    You must pass a vision test when you apply for a driver license or to renew your license. The test must show that you have visual acuity of at least 20/40 (based on the Snellen Visual Acuity Scale) in either or both eyes, with or without corrective lenses.

    I can even drive home from the needle in the eye appointment which is kind of amazing if you ask me.

    Then there’s the drops. I’m a blinker. I do not like any water in my eye at all so even though the needle was no walk in the park I think the drops might be worse. First there’s the aim: I am off by a mile every drop. This stuff is not landing anywhere near my eye. I can tell you that my cheek won’t get any bacteria now, but it takes about six tries for me to get the one antibactierial shot actually in my eyeball. I’m getting better but this eyedrop thing is not my best skill.

    The good news with all this is that my eyesight is improving somewhat and that’s a good thing because I want to watch the wee one grow up as it happens so fast. Here we are at Starbucks earlier this week on a day off that didn’t include a needle in the eyeball: She starts Pre-K in a few weeks!

    She’s worth a million prizes. Or needles or whatever it takes. Bring it on, Universe.

    Permalink

  5. C is for Covid

    So. remember just last week when BW screwed up the times from her flight back and had to stay overnight at JFK?

    Photo by Tamanna Rumee on Unsplash

    Well. She brought me a little souvenir: Covid 19. Yeah. I’m thrilled.

    Subscribe

    It started last Monday when BW woke up saying she was sick. Perfect timing. We pulled the little one out of daycare for the month of August as she’s going away with Abuela for the latter part of the month.

    Instead of just being sick at home, she would be sick at home with a 4 year old. I was off to work so I just told BW to toss her in front of the tablet and YouTube kids and we will collect the parent of the year award some other day.

    Then of course, the text message arrives mid-day:

    You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

    Crap.

    Crap.

    Crap.

    So, I tell her to deal the best she can and I will be home soon as I can. I managed to get some of my delivery route taken by a co-worker so I could get done on time to get to the pharmacy before they closed to pick up her prescription for Paxlovid. The Pharmacy closed at 9pm. I would be there by 8. Perfect – right?

    Ya. No.

    Turns out the pharmacist was sick so he closed the pharmacy early and went home. I get that people get sick and shit happens, but I haven’t been having a lot of luck lately when it comes to things like this.

    I go home and BW’s heart rate is off the charts. We had thought about calling an ambulance but were wary of whether the insurance would pay for the ride as we weren’t really at emergency status [1] and all they would do in the emergency room would give her the Paxlvoid anyway. We just had to get through the night.

    When I came home I notice a box of Oreos on the table and some empty cheese wrappers and I realized that the best BW could do for the little one was to feed her cheese and Oreos.

    Once again: parents of the year. I am told that after her nutritious dinner she just put herself to bed. No stories, or the usual routine. It’s like the child knew Mom was sick and she said: “I’m good, I’ve got this”. She was awesome

    Morning comes and the effing pharmacy is open and I get the script and get it into BW. The healing process begins.

    Thankfully Tuesday was my day off, so I was able to care for the child and so we went to the ocean and threw rocks in the water as we usually do. Then of course the we had to go to Tim Hortons afterwards for a timbit because: tradition.

    BW was still in bed and in pretty bad shape not much to report there.

    Wednesday came and more the same: BW in bed and child to care for. We went to the “big park” for the afternoon and actually spent 2 hours there where she made new friends and played games that were made up. She had a great time and it was some much needed outdoor time and away from the screens

    The problem was that by the time we got back from the park yours truly was staring to feel like crap. So of course I do what all men do when the start to get sick and ignore the fact.

    Next day: I’m sick. Take a test and sure enough: COVID. I can’t ignore any longer

    Now we really have a problem because we still had to take care of the child. Thank God for the Disney Channel as it really saved our bacon. She’s had enough screen time to last an entire year in just 3 days so once again: parents of the year.

    As I write this we are slowly coming out from the fog of Covid but we both get tired easily and the wee one is starting to get a little stir crazy and who can blame her? I’m getting stir crazy an I’ve been asleep for most of it.

    This is my first bout of COVID and it’s weird but I thought I had dodged the bullet, but I guess if a household member goes to a busy airport and flies on a crowded airplane the chances are getting sick.

    I’m just glad I had the vaccines. I know some prefer not to and think Bill Gates is out to kill us all off and that the government is out to get us or something. But this shit was bad. I’m quite happy to be on the road to recovery thanks to vaccines rather than being spun around like a rotisserie chicken in a hospital room trying to get air in my lungs. or even worse – win the Herman Cain award.

    A few takeaways from all this:

    1. Your child can survive on cheese and Oreos. At least for one night.
    2. Vaccines are nice.
    3. iPads are a blessing when both parents are sick. Also, Wifi.
    4. BW is never going anywhere again. At least for a while.
    5. You lose track of the days. I think it’s Sunday, but I am not sure.
    6. The child has had way too much “dessert”. The holiday is over when it comes to to the sweets as soon as we’re well enough.

    What I am most thankful for is that we’re on the mend and the wee one didn’t get COVID [2]. I am not sure we could have handled all 3 of us sick at the same time.

    As I write this I am on day 4 of 6 of my regimen of Paxlovid and I have to tell you that the cure might be worse. It’s not of course, but all I can taste is medicine. I have had so much medicine the past few days. No more medicine, please.

    To summarize, let me be your PSA: COVID is still out there, and it could happen to anyone. If you haven’t already please get vaccinated and stay safe.

    Until next time…

    TH and Co.


    1. Don’t get me started on healthcare in this country.
    2. because again: vaccines.

    Permalink

Every post → · RSS feed