Tidy Husband

Eligible for the seniors discount and the Happy Meal deal at the same time.

  1. Flip a Coin

    Whatever it takes for you to decide.

    Every morning the routine goes as such:

    1. coffee. need coffee.
    2. child comes downstairs and flops on couch
    3. Coffee is in hand, and dog is fed.
    4. I ask her what she wants for breakfast.

    This is where it all goes sideways - with the breakfast choices. I don’t remember having breakfast choices when I was growing up. I probably did because I know what Captain Crunch is, so perhaps it’s just selective amnesia on my part.

    I tell her she can’t have french toast because she can’t start every day with syrup and still have teeth. I offer her one of two choices today:

    “Cereal or Oatmeal?”, I ask.

    She harumphs and pushes past me and investigates both the pantry and the fridge to make sure I’m not holding out on her and there’s a freshly made cheese danish that I’m hiding.

    I ask again: “Oatmeal or Cereal?”. Maybe if I reverse the order of the choices I will have better luck…

    NO luck.

    She tells me she is going to make her own breakfast.

    “GREAT!”, I reply and continue to enjoy my still-hot cup of coffee.

    She goes to the fridge and finds a handful of grapes that I had in a plastic bag for her snack at school and then pours them into a bowl. She then asks me to cut some apple slices and put them in the bowl. Then, I am to pour some orange juice over them…

    Folks, this was breakfast:

    I am undecided on whether this was a win for this morning or not. On one hand - fruit - so yay!, right? On the other hand - fruit - but sugar?. I’m conflicted.

    While she was eating breakfast she found a Canadian quarter in her pencicl case which was on the table and then this led to a discussion about the Canadian mint and where and how quarters are used..etc.

    Then I showed her the ultimate trick: As a decision maker by flipping a coin. I showed her how to flip the quarter in the air to make a decision and she loved, loved, loved learning how to do it.

    We had to stop flipping and tossing because we were going to be late for the bus but she could have played with that lousy quarter all morning if i had let her.

    This coin flipping lesson actually worked out well because tomorrow when I offer the breakfast options she can use a coin toss to decided and then she can’t change her mind - especially if she’s using a Canadian quarter.

    I’m pretty sure there’s an international law against changing your breakfast choice post-flip once the coin lands.

    And if not, I’m telling her there is one - regardless

    Oatmeal: It’s the right thing to do.

    TH and Co.

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  2. Meet the Dog

    Let me introduce you to the other pesky child in the house.

    As I write this, the dog is in her crate with the door to her crate wide open whining. It’s times like this I worry about her health, mental or otherwise.

    this is why we can’t have visitors.

    This could mean a few things:

    1. She ate something she shouldn’t. This is the most probable because I swear you turn around for a second and something is in or has gone through her that should not have.
    2. She’s bored. This is also a possibility as it’s Buffalo in December and the back yard does not have the same appeal as the summertime sunbathing on the back deck does
    3. She’s attention seeking. I’m calling this as the reason if number 1 doesn’t pass.(literally)

    This dog is sweet, and we got the dog because I had a momentary lapse of reason and I asked BW if she wanted to get a dog. Also, for the child - I wanted her to not be afraid around dogs.

    I’m not a dog lover. Of course, the dog has become “my dog” somehow and as she’s been hanging out here for almost four years now we’ve got her figured out more or less and how things work with her.

    Here’s a few things I have learned.

    1. The dog will try and eat anything that is made of wood, crayon or fluffy like stuffed animals. We never have to really edit or donate old stuffed animals because they just die an untimely death and gets chewed to bits. I have caught her trying to not-very-stealthily sneak a white stuffed bear past me as if I wasn’t looking.
    2. This is one needy dog. She’s okay in the crate and as we’ve learned recently pretty adaptable to new surrounding and people even though her world is really small with just the 3 of us for the most part. But, if you try to sit down in the living room you will soon have a dog in your lap as in the photo above. This dog wants to be loved all the time
    3. This is also one poorly trained dog. This is fully, completely my fault as we got the dog about 3 weeks before BW was in a pretty serious traffic accident so the dog training went out the door as we concentrated on BW’s recovery.
    4. Age has made some problems go away. For a while there, the dog would escape and run away and I would be outside in the middle of a snowstorm running around the neighbors back yard trying to herd the dog back. Age helped, but also one time I had a broom in the front yard and realized the dog was scared shitless of it and since then the dog will not venture out of doors past the front stoop to greet the child off the school bus. Thank God for brooms.
    5. The dog had a door issue for a bit. It would go out the sliding door but would not come inside for the life of us. We tried treats, coaching, and nothing worked except time as now she’s finally figured out doors. There’s video of us somewhere all trying to get the dog to come back in the house. It’s embarrassing, really.
    6. She’s good with the child. The dog can be a little jumpy and there’s been a spill or two but as the child gets bigger and the dog gets older this hasn’t been a issue. The child loves the dog and will talk to her and pet her and the dog is as gentle as can be with her- there’s no fear with the dog which was the whole point of getting her. The child came home with a drawing of the family and the dog was present and the biggest character so that decides it- the dog stays.

    So.If you like dogs and especially like not-so-smart dogs that have attention issues and want to just be in your lap all the time, then come over and visit. She will love you.

    If you don’t like dogs, you can still come over but by the time you leave you may find out that you do like dogs after all.

    Hey, it happened to me.

    Constantly petting the dog,

    TH and Co.

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  3. Tub Horton's

    The taste is the same, but the name is slightly different.

    Being born in the hometown of Canada’s Tim Horton’s and growing up closest to store number 3 and store number 1 being just across town, I am familiar with the brand.

    Photo by Conor Samuel on Unsplash

    But I wasn’t familiar with the newest franchise that just opened up in our bathtub at home tonight.

    It’s a very small affair, with seating for just one and the hostess is friendly - but in the bathtub - which is kind of weird, but they do have the best cups of ~~coffee~~ tubwater I have ever had.

    Just don’t get the tub-bits. You’ve been warned.

    Be sure to ask the hostess to fill the kettle right from the tub to get the freshest you’ve ever tasted and she offers a special of a my little pony topping to add to the special blend that us Canadians drive across town for.

    I can also recommend the rubber duck donuts to complete your Tub Horton’s experience.

    And that’s how I’ve been spending my after-dinner time - pretending to drink bathwater and eat rubber duck donuts.

    Sadly, the current enshittification of everything continues with our Tim’s too - where a cup of coffee is pushing $3.00 and the donuts are bordering on horrific and the difference between Tub Horton’s and Tim Horton’s is very little.

    Back in the day, there were actual bakers that baked the real donuts at 1 am and when you worked nights you could go and get fresh donuts and coffee any time as they were open 24 hours.

    You were part of a community when you visited your local Timmy’s - the folks behind the counter called you “Hon” and knew what you liked and where you Sat and often - because you were in there so much they knew you by name. You were a regular.

    If the coffee was 20 minutes old, they would pitch it and make a new pot. Now? I have no idea if the coffee even comes from a pot any more? I think it’s just a button that’s pushed for fifteen dollars an hour.

    Today I reluctantly go to Tim’s. 3 bucks for a cup of black coffee is just too much money and there’s no flavor: either in the coffee, the stores - or the food. It’s too bad because it used to be a great “3rd place” before Starbucks stole the idea and sold it to the Apple crowd and their 7 dollar dollar lattes.

    It’s a sad state when the coffee and service at home at Tub Horton’s probably tastes better than the real thing. The service is better and they’re open later too: They close at 8pm but because it’s bedtime and the bathwater is getting cold

    Tub Hortons: Come for coffee, stay for the ponies and ducks. Also, singing - sometimes there’s singing. It is a bathtub after all.

    Stay caffeinated and away from the donuts,

    TH and Co.

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  4. Bitten by Mittens

    A story about getting lost on the way out.

    Yesterday, the child had 3 brand new pair of mittens.

    Photo by Ksenia Yakovleva on Unsplash

    24 hours later we are down to ONE.

    I have one. Not a pair - ONE mitten, which is pretty much the same use as no mittens

    Last week the dog ate the last pair of those one-size-fits-all gloves you can pick up at the dollar store, so when I was in there the other day I bought her 3 more pair of mittens. I thought that for sure that would get her through the season.

    I was wrong.

    She has a very expensive pair of mittens that are for outside in the dead of winter for activities like sledding or playing in the snow making snow angels in the front yard, but for going to school or anywhere where they ~~can~~ will get lost she gets to wear the dollar store wonders.

    This is where they’ve gone in the past 24 hours

    Pair Number 1: We went to the grocery store with mittens - she came back without mittens

    Pair Number 2: She left this pair on the school bus. There’s a slim chance we will see them again but don’t get your hopes up.

    Pair Number 3: We had to pick up a prescription at the drugstore and just like the supermarket, she went into the store with mittens and came out with one.

    When I mentioned the need for more mittens to BW, I mentioned those strings or clips or something that you can buy to prevent mitten loss but BW poo-pooed my idea as “They never work”

    Want to know what else doesn’t work? Relying on either the child or myself to be aware of the current mitten status when we leave..well, anywhere.

    Dear Santa: Send Mittens - we’ve got a long winter ahead of us yet.

    Trying to keep our extremities warm,

    TH and Co.

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  5. D is for Decorum

    If the dog has better table manners - you’re doing it wrong.

    There’s lots of ways to wake up in the middle of the night thinking you’ve failed as a parent and at just six-years-old there’s more and more sleepless nights ahead for me fore certain, but I have to tell you my greatest fear is taking her out to eat.

    Photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash

    I’ve already written about the reluctance to use a fork so I won’t repeat myself, but tonight we were eating burgers - which ironically, is one of the foods that it’s okay to eat with your hands.

    The trouble with tonight was the distractions. She’s up out of her chair a million times and I have to remind her that we are eating and when we eat, we do a few things and the most important is to keep seated. Also, close your mouth when you chew.

    I told her she can’t be running around like a monkey in the wild at the kitchen table and that just ticked her funny bone to no end.

    This led to a discussion on Decorum. I don’t have the wikipedia page in front of me, but I’m pretty sure that don’t act like a monkey at the table is one of them. Then the conversation turned to what if she and her friend all at at the table like monkeys?

    I told her it sounded just like a day in the cafeteria and she loved that. She then got carried away and before you know it in her pretty little head was a complete storyline about how they all ate like monkeys and had a food fight.

    Then, she described how adults eat and she pretended to hold her cup as a tea cup and with her pinky out and in the worst English accent you ever heard said:

    “And this is how the grownups eat” as she held the pretend cup to her lips with her pinky held high.

    It’s these moments that maybe, just maybe she will get the fact that dining with - or like a monkey is unacceptable.

    Heck, even the Sea Monkeys have better table manners.

    We’re working on it, this table stuff. It takes a lot and some days if I say the word “ fork!!” I’m going to explode but that wouldn’t be very polite of me - especially at the dinner table.

    But there’s hope. There’s more questions about decorum and less about monkeys so maybe, just maybe we can go out to dinner in public some day.

    In the meantime, we’re staying in and hosting tea parties instead, with the tiny cups

    It’s like decorum boot camp for six-year-olds - and we don’t have to leave the house until we get it right.

    We’re trying here,

    TH and Co.

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